Diana: Okay, here it is, u guise. My friend Nedu and I blab about the best and the worst of 2013 while drinking various alcoholic beverages and eating gummies. Hope it’s somewhat enjoyable. There are also some celebrity pics and other visual gags in there to hopefully motivate you to stick it out through the whole video. Happy New Year!
Diana: Omg we’re back again. I know, it’s been a while. Months, actually. Unfortunately, we’ve fallen behind on updating the blog because it’s summer and alcohol ain’t gonna go to parties and drink itself.
Now that we’ve gotten the excuses out of the way, we can move on to some Derp Review news. A while back we announced that we’d be doing a video review with our friend Ryan to show you guys how fucking hilarious we really are. Well, we recorded it but… it didn’t work out. We didn’t practice or prepare anything in advance so we ended up improvising for 2 hours and the result was a mess that should be used as a psychological torture device at Guantanamo. We talked over each other constantly and there was an unapologetic abundance of pedophilia jokes. So yeah, that review won’t be seeing the light of day any time soon.
We have not yet created our YouTube channel, but we do have it in the works. We are also in the process of starting our own indie pop band and we’ll be doing covers of Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins ’cause we hard like that. We’ll either call ourselves “A Band Called Van Damme” or “Jean Claude Van Band”. Owen will play guitar and I will play the tambourine. Or the triangle.
Just. Like. That.
Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the review.
Tonight’s movie is the film adaptation of the best-selling, tween version of Running Man: The Hunger Games, starring Jennifer Lawrence.
Yeah, that’s her.
Hold steady, Picard.
Now that we’ve established her hotness we can move forward with the review. Keep in mind, she’s playing a kid in this movie. Fucking perverts.
Sounds like the kind of games they play in Africa. ALL THE TIME.
The story is set in a post-apocalyptic United States where only one city is awesome (The Capitol) and everywhere else is a shitty shithole. It’s not really made clear, but it seems that the entire continental U.S. is divided into “districts” and every year, each district has to offer up two kids (a boy and a girl) to compete in a fight to the death with one lone winner, which is televised. So, pretty much Running Man.
This serves as a sort of punishment because at some point in the past, the districts revolted against The Capitol. Whatever. Let’s see some angsty teens!
Jennifer Lawrence plays “Katniss Everdeen”. Did I mention all the names in this movie are stupid? Because they are.
Liam Hemsworth (Thor’s brother) plays “Gale Hawthorne”, Katniss’ best friend and hunting buddy.
Definitely the lesser of the two Hemsworths. Also Gale is a lady’s name.
Next day, some weirdo from The Capitol arrives to select the sacrifices, I mean, contestants for the Hunger Games.
And surprisingly, it’s not Helena Bonham Carter.
The only reason it isn’t Helena Bonham Carter is because Tim Burton had ZERO involvement in this movie. Thank God.
All the kids under 18 are gathered together and stand around waiting to find out which of them will win the worst lottery ever.
Obviously they’re in post-apocalyptic Connecticut. ‘Cause everyone’s white and wears old-timey clothes.
It seems denim didn’t survive the nuclear catastrophe but prairie dresses did.
That’s a lot of Amish kids.
I get it. They’re trying to make it look like the holocaust. Like an Aryan holocaust.
Shut up, Alanis.
Names are drawn and Katniss’ little sister Tater Tot gets picked. Katniss freaks the fuck out and volunteers to take her place in the Games.
“It’s okay, I’m going to fight in your place. Nothing bad will ever happen to you!”
“You know they’re doing this again next year, right?”
A baker’s son named Peta also gets picked.
He still can’t believe his name is “Peta”.
He fuckin’ hates animals and loves steaks.
Just die already.
So Katniss and Peta get into a car with fake Helena Bonham Carter, and head for The Capitol.
“It’s going to be wonderful! You two fight to the death, and we eat fine cheeses off your corpses!”
Sounds like a party Mitt Romney would enjoy.
They get on a train and Peta starts yapping about them helping each other out but I’m pretty sure he just wants to show her his willy.
“Come on. We’re going to die.”
“I need to get my weasel greased.”
“The only pleasure I’ve ever known is the warm grip of my own hand.”
His argument is compelling but Katniss is having none of it.
Their drunk mentor/coach comes in to give them advice. He’s played by Woody Harrelson, playing himself.
“Whoa there, boy. It’s only 3 pm and this is my first bottle of bourbon.”
“I love you, cocaine.”
What acting chops.
They ignore him and soon arrive at The Capitol. They get separated and after a weird bath and some eyebrow plucking (no joke), Katniss meets up with her spiritual counsellor, Lenny Kravitz.
“I’m half black, half jew, and all lover.”
All of the competitors get dressed up in the silliest get-ups you can imagine and get ready to be presented to The Capitol’s elite.
The Hunger Games producer is the creeper from American Beauty who used to film every fucking thing. Remember him? Now he’s got retarded facial hair.
“Yo man, I’mma let you finish, but this bag is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
The kids get on chariots (wtf) and are presented to the crowds. By the way, everyone in this city dresses like a fucking circus sideshow.
It’s like Baz Luhrmann and RuPaul sat in a two-person circle jerk and covered the world in their glittery baby batter.
The child sacrifices are paraded before the masses and Katniss and Peta come out wearing suits that spontaneously combust and yet, somehow, don’t burn them up.
“Smells like roasted pork.”
Big bad President-colonel Sanders is not amused.
“No fried chicken for you. Only fried death.”
Next, all of the contestants get interviewed by Stanley Tucci, and we get to see just how annoying Stanley Tucci can be.
Which is pretty fucking annoying.
Everyone does well in the interviews but Peta seems better at charming the clown crowd.
He confesses to dumbass Tucci that he has a crush on Katniss. Of course he does. Where would young adult fiction be without the love triangle?
Katniss, for reasons unknown, freaks out over his amorous declaration and corners him in the hallway to let him know that she is an independent woman.
“I don’t need no man! I pay mah own bills!”
Take it easy, bitch.
The next day, the Games begin. The kids are released into an “arena” that’s pretty much a contained mini-forest full of cameras. A dozen kids get killed right off the bat as they fight for limited food, weapons and supplies. Katniss and a few others take off into the woods to avoid being butchered.
Katniss climbs a tree and settles in for the night just as a big projection in the sky appears. It presents a slideshow of the contestants that have been killed thus far. Handy.
I wish they did this with dead celebrities. You know, just so we could stay on top of things. Is Jack Palance still alive?
Katniss soon discovers that about five of the murderous kids have formed an alliance in order to kill off the weaker competitors. Peta has also joined them. They eventually find her and chase her up a tree. Unable to climb up and get her (seriously, no one could climb up there after her?), or shoot her down with an arrow (?) they decide to camp out and wait until she comes down herself.
“Yep. She’s right there. Too bad that tree she just climbed is impossible to climb.”
Next morning, our heroine is the first to wake and spots a crazy huge wasps’ nest hanging from a branch above her. Not just any wasps, these are genetically engineered, hallucination-inducing wasps from the future. Yeah.
She cuts through the branch with her knife and the nest lands ker-splat, right on the sleeping baddies. They all get away, except for one unfortunate blonde girl who gets stung to death. Katniss climbs down and takes the opportunity to steal her wallet, I mean, bow and arrows.
That’s not so bad. She could still be Rocky Dennis‘ body double. Oh wait, he’s dead. Forget it, she can’t be anything then.
After a couple of days she ends up teaming up with a cute little black girl who informs her that the group of bad kids has taken control of all the food and supplies. They share a heart-warming moment while munching on some kind of barbecued bird and plotting to destroy the dominant team’s supplies stash.
“E-bo-ny and I-vo-ry, kill together in per-fect har-mo-ny.”
See what I did there? Heh.
Katniss takes off and burns up the pile of goodies accumulated by the baddies. I think one more kid dies but at this point who gives a fuck. We don’t even know their names so obviously they’re not in for a long shelf life.
She returns to find her little friend being attacked by some bitch. She tries to save her but her lil’ buddy ends up dying in her arms.
“Why did you have to die, girl I hardly knew??! WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Soon after, the producer with the douchey facial hair changes the rules so that there can now be two winners instead of just one. The reasons why he does this are too boring and pointless to go into, so I won’t.
She ends up finding Peta and teaming up with him. His leg is badly hurt, so she gives him a tonsil massage with her tongue to help with that.
And the tween audience has now gotten their money’s worth.
Her boy toy back home watches in silent disappointment, wondering where he went wrong.
“I wish my left testicle wasn’t shaped like a cashew. A long, hairy, purple cashew.”
The producer announced to the contestants that badly needed supplies are being deposited at the spot where they first started from. Katnip decides to go and try to get some medicine for Peta’s gimped out leg.
She fights some girl, gets helped out by a black dude and ends up retrieving the medicine. How fortunate.
She rubs some of the magic ointment on Peta’s leg and ta-da! the next day he’s magically cured. To express his gratitude, he offers, once again, to show her his todger.
“It’s really special! It blushes when you touch it and the tip looks like a smiley face!”
Just as things are starting to look up, the producer decides to release some massive, fucked up looking dogs into the mix.
Not those dogs.
The dogs chase them back to the starting point where they find the last remaining kid who looks exactly like Peta.
Slim Shady? Stan?
They kill him and finally, FINALLY, after 10 hours of watching this movie, they’ve won The Hunger Games. Everything’s great now, right? Nothing could possibly go wrong. It’s all over.
Except that the dickhead producer with the impossibly unrealistic facial hair has decided to change the rules one last time. Oh joy, another twist.
Katnip and Peta are informed that there can no longer be two victors and that one of them must die.
Whoever loses the stare-down, dies.
Peta gets distracted by a butterfly and Katniss guts him like a fish.
Just kidding. Instead of turning on each other like normal people desperate to survive, they decide to commit a double suicide and eat some poisoned berries so they’ll both die.
Except they don’t. They get stopped at the last minute by the show’s producer and are both declared winners. They do some more interviews with Annoying Tucci and head home.
Of course there’s a scene with her in a poofy dress, lest we forget this was written by a woman.
“Oh hey, I started dating your little sister while you were gone. Hope that’s cool.”
And so the movie ends and even though I lampooned it, I did like it. It was better than I’d imagined but not good enough to deserve all the hoopla surrounding it. Then again, most of the people praising it were tweeners and everyone knows tweeners are terrible liars.
Yes, I mean you, Jezebel.
I was pretty attentive to the movie and hardly derped at all so I’m going to give it four sexually frustrated bakers sons out of five running man ripoffs.
DERP LEVEL: LOW