Diana: Okay, here it is, u guise. My friend Nedu and I blab about the best and the worst of 2013 while drinking various alcoholic beverages and eating gummies. Hope it’s somewhat enjoyable. There are also some celebrity pics and other visual gags in there to hopefully motivate you to stick it out through the whole video. Happy New Year!
Diana: A week or so behind schedule, but here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for! The review in which we revisit a simpler time, when super-hero movies were new, Michael Keaton was almost bangable and Tim Burton made movies without Helena Bonham-Carter.
A time when children were tricked into thinking that a metal coil was a toy.
Today’s movie is Batman from 1989! Let’s go!
The movie opens with two junkies mugging this wholesome looking family.
This is what junkies looked like in 1989.
So Batman shows up, kicks one guy and punishes the other one by…
Taking him for a little walk on a leash.
And threatening him a little bit.
Then he jumps off a building and disappears!
He’s so good at this.
Wherever her goes, he leaves a smoke machine behind.
The next day (I guess?), we see what basically amounts to a brief cameo by Billy Dee Williams playing Harvey Dent.
YES PEOPLE BORN IN THE 90S, HARVEY DENT USED TO BE BLACK.
Although in Tommy Lee Jones’ case, they should’ve called the character “One Face” because both sides are basically the same.
So Billy Dee promises to rid Gotham City of crime, blah blah.
Meanwhile, gangster Jack Nicholson has a laugh about how he’s banging his boss’ girlfriend behind his back.
Oh yeah, Jerry Hall is in this. I guess playing with Mick Jagger’s shriveled up wiener has it’s perks.
Ass ugly face + horrible singing voice = Success!
Next we meet photojournalist (lol) Vicki Vale, the love interest and otherwise pointless character, played by Kim Basinger, who was sort of a big deal back then. I don’t really know why. She wasn’t particularly likable and not quite pretty enough to be real leading lady material.
Red lipstick ain’t enough.
She partners up with fake Steve Guttenberg, determined to find out more about the mysterious Batman. And his peen, which she will inevitably sample at some point. Actually, it would be awesome if the penis had a little mask and cape as well. Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnyyywaayysssss.
Jack Nicholson’s boss is none other than Jack Palance.
Most notable for telling Billy Crystal he took shits bigger than him and then dropping down to do 20 push-ups. And turning up in random movies.
That’s him in the hat.
And now you know more than you ever wanted to know about Jack Palance. Sorry about that.
Crime boss Jack Palance orders Jack Nicholson to carry out some kind of robbery at a chemical plant, and the whole thing really, REALLY feels like a setup. But Jack Nicholson seems completely oblivious to crazed look on his boss’ face.
“I know you’ve been milking my cow.”
Cut to Wayne Manor, where there’s some kind of hoity-toity party going on.
Is it just me or were the 1% way less repulsive back then?
Kim Averager and Fake Steve Guttenberg somehow score invites and try to interview some peeps, and we are finally introduced to Bruce Wayne.
You know, the hair was bad, but he was still sort of hot. The suit helped. A lot.
No man can resist the allure of Paper Towel Dress Barbie!
He’s just about to put the moves on her when he overhears the police chief saying there’s some funny business going down at the chemical plant. Get it? “Funny” business.
Oh, you didn’t like that joke? Let’s see you do better, Debbie Downer. Fucking bitch.
The cops show up at the chemical plant (tipped off by Jack’s cuckolded boss) and… well, you know how this goes.
Best thing to do when cops are shooting at you? If you said “run away”, you are wrong.
The correct answer is push every button and pull every fucking switch in the place. Brilliant!
“Let’s play Who-Can-Fall-In-The-Toxic-Sludge-First!”
Your prize is insanity.
Green goo is so temperamental though. Sometimes it makes turtles do martial arts and other times it turns guys into deranged psycho clowns.
So after a busy night of playing dress up, Bruce Wayne invites Kim Basinderp over for dinner.
At Castle Dracula.
Come on, look at the size of that place. And he only has one servant?
“You know what they say about about men with long tables, right? Hurr hurr.”
Long tables… lots of money? I don’t know.
They flirt awkwardly while referencing his enormous wealth, and then spend the next few minutes talking all about him. Which apparently works because a. he’s rich, and b. she’s easy. So basically, all of Phil Collins’ relationships.
Bruce Wayne is a classy guy though.
Which is why he let her spend the night and put her greasy peroxide head on his 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
And he sleeps upside-down like a bat. Really, Tim Burton? Really?
Meanwhile, in an abortion clinic in Tijuana…
Jack gets some much needed cosmetic surgery to repair his melted face, and thus becomes The Joker!
So that’s what Robert Smith would look like if he lost the weight.
You know, considering the fucked up childhood Jack Nicholson had IRL, it’s amazing he didn’t become a crazy murderer. I mean, have you read about his life? It’s messed up.
He kills Jack Palance, then meets with all the crime lords of Gotham and bullies them into making him their leader.
What up, Albert Einstein?
Rob Halford photobomb!
It’s the day after Kimmy got poked with Bruce’s bat-stick, and she wants to hang out again, but he tells her he’s busy because goddamn it, a man needs his space.
It’s not me, it’s you. Peasant.
She’s totally cool with handling rejection, and goes about her day…
Just kidding. She stalks him.
Guy can’t even leave some roses on the sidewalk for his dead parents anymore. Jaysus.
“Dear Mom & Dad, sorry you died. Thanks for leaving me all the jewgoldz.”
No, don’t pick up the flowers! Now you’ve contaminated them with your poor people hands.
On the other side of town, Joker is keeping busy by putting his toxic mystery substance “Smilex” in all of Gotham’s beauty products, which causes people to die with a big, stupid grin on their faces.
He decides to celebrate by breaking into a museum and defacing some art.
“Surprise! The Sugar Plum Priest/Biker Squad is here!”
With this song playing the entire time:
Yes, it is a song called “Party Man”.
So he shows Kimmy (who happens to be there), Jerry Hall’s new mask.
Tim Burton’s dream girl. I mean the mask, not Jerry Hall. Just the mask.
He harasses Kim for a few more minutes until Batman arrives to save her.
“Feel that? The dark knight RISES.”
They escape in the batmobile, and you know what?
It doesn’t look that cool anymore.
For some reason I remember it looking better in Batman Returns, even though I’m fairly sure it’s the same car.
They drive through Sleepy Hollow on the way to the bat-cave. God, I am so grateful Johnny Depp isn’t in this.
Once in the safety of grown man fantasy gadget lair, our hero lets Kimmy know that he’s discovered which combinations of beauty products cause smiley-death.
“None of this shit affects me btw. All my shampoo is imported from the south of France on the backs of exotic looking children.”
So with that crisis averted, another day passes.
Next morning, he pays her a visit (as Bruce Wayne). I’m not really sure why she’s upset as soon as she opens the door but whatever. Everyone’s moody in Tim Burton Land.
“Here, have this shitty flower. Can I get in your pants again?”
Michael Keaton at the door with a popped collar and a $1.00 carnation? Color me moist.
The Joker pops in and says some more dumb shit, and we’re on to the next scene.
Kimmy finds out Bruce Wayne’s parents were murdered. Her maternal instincts kick in and she instantly forgives him for not calling her after that one time they boned.
Meanwhile, in the bat-cave, Alfred is getting preachy.
“I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving over the loss of old friends. Or their sons.”
I love how he calls the billionaires he cleans up after, his “friends”. That’s cute. Now go make Master Bruce a sandwich. AND DON’T FORGET THE FUCKING GREY POUPON.
Take it in, ladies.
He’s reminiscing over his parents’ death when he realizes that…
They were killed by a young Jack Nicholson who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson.
So many twists and turns! Suddenly, Kimmy shows up. Yep, Alfred just let her in. For no reason. Just ’cause.
Wait, I recognize that outfit…
For fuck’s sake, was there anything Steve Jobs DIDN’T steal?
Kim pouts around and I think she’s trying to get him to stop being Batman. Once again, they banged ONCE. One time. So. Damn. Clingy.
So Meg Ryan, I mean The Joker, throws a huge party and again, Prince provides the music.
In exchange, Joker has to give Prince all of his clothes. And accessories.
He draws the crowd in by throwing wads of cash at them.
All the strippers instinctively get naked.
But it’s all a trick, of course. And the Joker’s parade balloons start releasing toxic gas onto the crowds.
Nice custom Joker jacket, Henchman #1.
Not to worry though, Batman arrives in his bat-jet (?) and takes the balloons away.
Okay, that’s pretty cool.
He swoops down and closes in on his arch-nemesis. Good thing he has millions of dollars worth of technology behind him.
aaaaaaaaannnndd he misses.
Jack Nicholson, however, is a better shot and blows up his fancy jet with one bullet.
Joker grabs Kimmy (why does anyone still care about her at this point?) and drags her up into the church tower. Batman follows and fights off the remaining henchmen.
Including Ray Charles.
In the end, the Joker gets his ankle caught in a batarang and tied to a gargoyle while trying to escape.
A gargoyle with a very small bum.
He ends up falling to his death and Gotham City is safe once again! It’s implied that Kim McLongFace and Bruce “My Parents Are Dead” Wayne end up together and the movie closes with this final shot:
Perfect desktop wallpaper for people who never get laid.
And we’re done! That wasn’t too painful.
Final thoughts: Is it campy? Yes. But I’ll gladly take this and Batman Returns over any of the Christopher Nolan reboots any day. Know why? Because they take themselves TOO GODDAMN SERIOUSLY. And you can’t ask the audience to take you 100% seriously if you’re filming a bunch of grown man, running around wearing costumes.
That stupid growling doesn’t sound nearly as cool as you think it does, man.
Joss Whedon understood this and made sure there were plenty of jokes in The Avengers, which is why it was so well balanced and enjoyable. That said, this really is the Keaton and Nicholson show. Everyone else is basically static in the background. The music is really good though, probably Danny Elfman’s best work. You know, before he started making lesser versions of in every other movie he worked on. Regardless, I enjoyed it. Maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but I can’t help it.
All in all, I’ll give it 4 escaped mental patients out of 5 bat-themed vehicles.
DERP LEVEL: MEDIUM
Next time, on the review: Reader’s Choice! A special request from one of my favorite readers and twitter followers (you know who you are!).
Want to suggest a movie or make a request? Leave it in the comments below or follow us on Twitter (@DerpReview) or Facebook. You know you want to.
Last Minute Update! Attention All Batman Fans! Prepare your jimmies for an epic rustling. Ben Fucking Affleck has just been announced as the new Batman in the upcoming Batman/Superman movie. First Val Cheeseburger Kilmer, then George Bobblehead Clooney… haven’t we been through enough?!
Diana: Omg we’re back again. I know, it’s been a while. Months, actually. Unfortunately, we’ve fallen behind on updating the blog because it’s summer and alcohol ain’t gonna go to parties and drink itself.
Now that we’ve gotten the excuses out of the way, we can move on to some Derp Review news. A while back we announced that we’d be doing a video review with our friend Ryan to show you guys how fucking hilarious we really are. Well, we recorded it but… it didn’t work out. We didn’t practice or prepare anything in advance so we ended up improvising for 2 hours and the result was a mess that should be used as a psychological torture device at Guantanamo. We talked over each other constantly and there was an unapologetic abundance of pedophilia jokes. So yeah, that review won’t be seeing the light of day any time soon.
We have not yet created our YouTube channel, but we do have it in the works. We are also in the process of starting our own indie pop band and we’ll be doing covers of Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins ’cause we hard like that. We’ll either call ourselves “A Band Called Van Damme” or “Jean Claude Van Band”. Owen will play guitar and I will play the tambourine. Or the triangle.
Just. Like. That.
Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the review.
Tonight’s movie is the film adaptation of the best-selling, tween version of Running Man: The Hunger Games, starring Jennifer Lawrence.
Yeah, that’s her.
Hold steady, Picard.
Now that we’ve established her hotness we can move forward with the review. Keep in mind, she’s playing a kid in this movie. Fucking perverts.
Sounds like the kind of games they play in Africa. ALL THE TIME.
The story is set in a post-apocalyptic United States where only one city is awesome (The Capitol) and everywhere else is a shitty shithole. It’s not really made clear, but it seems that the entire continental U.S. is divided into “districts” and every year, each district has to offer up two kids (a boy and a girl) to compete in a fight to the death with one lone winner, which is televised. So, pretty much Running Man.
This serves as a sort of punishment because at some point in the past, the districts revolted against The Capitol. Whatever. Let’s see some angsty teens!
Jennifer Lawrence plays “Katniss Everdeen”. Did I mention all the names in this movie are stupid? Because they are.
Liam Hemsworth (Thor’s brother) plays “Gale Hawthorne”, Katniss’ best friend and hunting buddy.
Definitely the lesser of the two Hemsworths. Also Gale is a lady’s name.
Next day, some weirdo from The Capitol arrives to select the sacrifices, I mean, contestants for the Hunger Games.
And surprisingly, it’s not Helena Bonham Carter.
The only reason it isn’t Helena Bonham Carter is because Tim Burton had ZERO involvement in this movie. Thank God.
All the kids under 18 are gathered together and stand around waiting to find out which of them will win the worst lottery ever.
Obviously they’re in post-apocalyptic Connecticut. ‘Cause everyone’s white and wears old-timey clothes.
It seems denim didn’t survive the nuclear catastrophe but prairie dresses did.
That’s a lot of Amish kids.
I get it. They’re trying to make it look like the holocaust. Like an Aryan holocaust.
Shut up, Alanis.
Names are drawn and Katniss’ little sister Tater Tot gets picked. Katniss freaks the fuck out and volunteers to take her place in the Games.
“It’s okay, I’m going to fight in your place. Nothing bad will ever happen to you!”
“You know they’re doing this again next year, right?”
A baker’s son named Peta also gets picked.
He still can’t believe his name is “Peta”.
He fuckin’ hates animals and loves steaks.
Just die already.
So Katniss and Peta get into a car with fake Helena Bonham Carter, and head for The Capitol.
“It’s going to be wonderful! You two fight to the death, and we eat fine cheeses off your corpses!”
Sounds like a party Mitt Romney would enjoy.
They get on a train and Peta starts yapping about them helping each other out but I’m pretty sure he just wants to show her his willy.
“Come on. We’re going to die.”
“I need to get my weasel greased.”
“The only pleasure I’ve ever known is the warm grip of my own hand.”
His argument is compelling but Katniss is having none of it.
Their drunk mentor/coach comes in to give them advice. He’s played by Woody Harrelson, playing himself.
“Whoa there, boy. It’s only 3 pm and this is my first bottle of bourbon.”
“I love you, cocaine.”
What acting chops.
They ignore him and soon arrive at The Capitol. They get separated and after a weird bath and some eyebrow plucking (no joke), Katniss meets up with her spiritual counsellor, Lenny Kravitz.
“I’m half black, half jew, and all lover.”
All of the competitors get dressed up in the silliest get-ups you can imagine and get ready to be presented to The Capitol’s elite.
The Hunger Games producer is the creeper from American Beauty who used to film every fucking thing. Remember him? Now he’s got retarded facial hair.
“Yo man, I’mma let you finish, but this bag is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
The kids get on chariots (wtf) and are presented to the crowds. By the way, everyone in this city dresses like a fucking circus sideshow.
It’s like Baz Luhrmann and RuPaul sat in a two-person circle jerk and covered the world in their glittery baby batter.
The child sacrifices are paraded before the masses and Katniss and Peta come out wearing suits that spontaneously combust and yet, somehow, don’t burn them up.
“Smells like roasted pork.”
Big bad President-colonel Sanders is not amused.
“No fried chicken for you. Only fried death.”
Next, all of the contestants get interviewed by Stanley Tucci, and we get to see just how annoying Stanley Tucci can be.
Which is pretty fucking annoying.
Everyone does well in the interviews but Peta seems better at charming the clown crowd.
He confesses to dumbass Tucci that he has a crush on Katniss. Of course he does. Where would young adult fiction be without the love triangle?
Katniss, for reasons unknown, freaks out over his amorous declaration and corners him in the hallway to let him know that she is an independent woman.
“I don’t need no man! I pay mah own bills!”
Take it easy, bitch.
The next day, the Games begin. The kids are released into an “arena” that’s pretty much a contained mini-forest full of cameras. A dozen kids get killed right off the bat as they fight for limited food, weapons and supplies. Katniss and a few others take off into the woods to avoid being butchered.
Katniss climbs a tree and settles in for the night just as a big projection in the sky appears. It presents a slideshow of the contestants that have been killed thus far. Handy.
I wish they did this with dead celebrities. You know, just so we could stay on top of things. Is Jack Palance still alive?
Katniss soon discovers that about five of the murderous kids have formed an alliance in order to kill off the weaker competitors. Peta has also joined them. They eventually find her and chase her up a tree. Unable to climb up and get her (seriously, no one could climb up there after her?), or shoot her down with an arrow (?) they decide to camp out and wait until she comes down herself.
“Yep. She’s right there. Too bad that tree she just climbed is impossible to climb.”
Next morning, our heroine is the first to wake and spots a crazy huge wasps’ nest hanging from a branch above her. Not just any wasps, these are genetically engineered, hallucination-inducing wasps from the future. Yeah.
She cuts through the branch with her knife and the nest lands ker-splat, right on the sleeping baddies. They all get away, except for one unfortunate blonde girl who gets stung to death. Katniss climbs down and takes the opportunity to steal her wallet, I mean, bow and arrows.
That’s not so bad. She could still be Rocky Dennis‘ body double. Oh wait, he’s dead. Forget it, she can’t be anything then.
After a couple of days she ends up teaming up with a cute little black girl who informs her that the group of bad kids has taken control of all the food and supplies. They share a heart-warming moment while munching on some kind of barbecued bird and plotting to destroy the dominant team’s supplies stash.
“E-bo-ny and I-vo-ry, kill together in per-fect har-mo-ny.”
See what I did there? Heh.
Katniss takes off and burns up the pile of goodies accumulated by the baddies. I think one more kid dies but at this point who gives a fuck. We don’t even know their names so obviously they’re not in for a long shelf life.
She returns to find her little friend being attacked by some bitch. She tries to save her but her lil’ buddy ends up dying in her arms.
“Why did you have to die, girl I hardly knew??! WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Soon after, the producer with the douchey facial hair changes the rules so that there can now be two winners instead of just one. The reasons why he does this are too boring and pointless to go into, so I won’t.
She ends up finding Peta and teaming up with him. His leg is badly hurt, so she gives him a tonsil massage with her tongue to help with that.
And the tween audience has now gotten their money’s worth.
Her boy toy back home watches in silent disappointment, wondering where he went wrong.
“I wish my left testicle wasn’t shaped like a cashew. A long, hairy, purple cashew.”
The producer announced to the contestants that badly needed supplies are being deposited at the spot where they first started from. Katnip decides to go and try to get some medicine for Peta’s gimped out leg.
She fights some girl, gets helped out by a black dude and ends up retrieving the medicine. How fortunate.
She rubs some of the magic ointment on Peta’s leg and ta-da! the next day he’s magically cured. To express his gratitude, he offers, once again, to show her his todger.
“It’s really special! It blushes when you touch it and the tip looks like a smiley face!”
Just as things are starting to look up, the producer decides to release some massive, fucked up looking dogs into the mix.
Not those dogs.
The dogs chase them back to the starting point where they find the last remaining kid who looks exactly like Peta.
Slim Shady? Stan?
They kill him and finally, FINALLY, after 10 hours of watching this movie, they’ve won The Hunger Games. Everything’s great now, right? Nothing could possibly go wrong. It’s all over.
Except that the dickhead producer with the impossibly unrealistic facial hair has decided to change the rules one last time. Oh joy, another twist.
Katnip and Peta are informed that there can no longer be two victors and that one of them must die.
Whoever loses the stare-down, dies.
Peta gets distracted by a butterfly and Katniss guts him like a fish.
Just kidding. Instead of turning on each other like normal people desperate to survive, they decide to commit a double suicide and eat some poisoned berries so they’ll both die.
Except they don’t. They get stopped at the last minute by the show’s producer and are both declared winners. They do some more interviews with Annoying Tucci and head home.
Of course there’s a scene with her in a poofy dress, lest we forget this was written by a woman.
“Oh hey, I started dating your little sister while you were gone. Hope that’s cool.”
And so the movie ends and even though I lampooned it, I did like it. It was better than I’d imagined but not good enough to deserve all the hoopla surrounding it. Then again, most of the people praising it were tweeners and everyone knows tweeners are terrible liars.
Yes, I mean you, Jezebel.
I was pretty attentive to the movie and hardly derped at all so I’m going to give it four sexually frustrated bakers sons out of five running man ripoffs.
DERP LEVEL: LOW
Diana: Hey, we’re back! I know what you’re thinking and yes, we were away for quite a while. I’d love to say that we took a sabbatical from blogging because we were coming up with a bunch of fun and interesting stuff for you but… no. The reality is we spent all this time sitting on our couch doing none of that.
I keed, I keed. Truth is we do have some news that may or may not interest you depending on how drunk and/or lonely you are. First off, in an unabashed effort to boost our readership and daily hits, we will very soon be launching our own YouTube channel which will contain musical parodies and videos chronicling our hilarious and zany hijinks.
Secondly, in a few days we will be taking the Derp Review on the road! We will be reviewing a poopy movie from an undisclosed, exotic locale which will make it more exciting. For us.
Thirdly, we will be doing our first ever live video Derp Review in a couple of weeks which will feature our friend and guest reviewer Ryan where we’ll basically be replacing any witty commentary with drunken gibberish.
Sounds about right.
Yep, there will be plenty of opportunities for you, the reader, to mock us at your leisure. Now let’s get to the good shit: MOVIE TIME!
Today’s buffet of bad is ‘Mannequin’ from 1987, starring 80’s heartthrob Andrew McCarthy and a half-decent looking Kim Cattrall. Turns out she didn’t always look like a used up sperm receptacle. Ooooh, too harsh?
Ahem. So the movie starts with a stupid scene that introduces us to Kim as she hides out in a tomb in ancient Egypt, trying to avoid her neurotic, controlling (Jewish?) mother who wants her to marry a camel dung dealer. Harr harr.
No Kim, she said ‘camel DUNG dealer’ not camel DONG dealer. Sheesh.
Somehow, she manages to disappear and time travel to the 1980s. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream*. Just go with it.
Next we meet Andrew McCarthy who, like Steve Guttenberg, was in every movie in the 80s. I wonder if they were ever in a movie together. I guess I could google it if I gave a shit.
So Andrew plays some kind of ‘artist’. He works a series of odd jobs that he promptly gets himself fired from.
Like all artists, he’s temperamental and requires a firm hand. And this guy is more than willing to shove that hand up his ass.
He ends up working at a mannequin factory but spends so much time talking to the dummies about his feelings that he, once again, gets fired.
When you’ve been canned that many times, it loses the sting of humiliation.
He picks up his mom, I mean, girlfriend at work and tells her that he is newly unemployed.
“I made you dinner. It’s hot pockets.”
She, of course dumps him – not because all women are gold-diggers, but because it’s too damn hard to date someone who’s broke all the time. DENY IT IF YOU DARE.
Next day, he saves Estelle Getty’s life and she rewards him by giving him a job at her department store. Coincidentally, his favorite mannequin from his doll factory days is displayed in the window of this very same store. Suprise!
He meets fellow window dresser Hollywood Montrose (Meshach Taylor) who embodies every retarded gay stereotype you can imagine. He’s silly, sassy, effeminate, wears wacky clothes, snaps his fingers, hoots and hollers, and generally sets gay people back 100 years. This might be considered offensive if the movie wasn’t already filled with so much stupid shit.
“Woo child! We are artistes! Create honey, CREATE!”
He actually says that. I’m not exaggerating.
Later that night, Kimmy comes to life and appears to be attracted to Andrew McCarthy. Who wouldn’t be? Weekend At Bernie’s was a pretty big deal.
“You have a working penis, right? Good enough.”
Then comes the best part EVAR, omg you guise it’s the 80s dress up montage!!!!11!
This is how I type at work.
“Well, now that that’s over, can I take a gander at your fine taco?”
Not yet, slick. We still have an hour of movie to go. Andrew McCarthy and Kimmy McPlasticParts make some fancy window displays and all of a sudden their store is a success! Maybe the Bay should hire them. For real though, I’m surprised more goths don’t hang out at the Bay ’cause that place makes me wanna cut myself. Depressing as fuck.
Andrew’s ex-girlfriend/mom works at a rival department store and she conspires with James Spader and some other meanies to get Andrew McCarthy to leave his job and go work for them instead. She takes him out to dinner and tries to charm him.
I have better chemistry with a slice of pizza.
Unsurprisingly, he refuses and walks out on her.
Back at the store, Andrew’s fruit loop behavior (carrying around and talking to the mannequin) has not gone unnoticed but Hollywood doesn’t judge.
“Wood is wood, honey.”
The security guard (aka the guy from ‘Police Academy’) is working with the baddies from the rival department store and keeps getting in Andy’s face, not exactly sure what he’s trying to accomplish with that but whatevs. He’s got a cute dog which is far more interesting.
This dog has obviously graduated from the same obedience school as ours.
Shitting in the house is hard work.
For some reason, our hero gets promoted to vice-president of the company. Uh huh. He tries to tell Kimmy the good news but she does the old hush-and-kiss-me. Don’t ever do this, people. It’s not romantic, it’s fucking annoying.
“I was still talking.”
In case you haven’t figured it out, Andy’s the only one who can see her as a real person, when anyone else comes around, she turns back into a mannequin. As if this schmuck doesn’t have enough problems.
Then he takes her on a date…
“In Japan this is totally normal.”
The baddies chase them in an attempt to steal the mannequin, I guess.
They loose the baddies and go ride around on Andy’s motorcycle.
He actually looks like he’s wondering if he’s gonna get some. As if there’s any doubt. Rest easy little grasshopper, Kim Cattrall is a sure thing.
Next day, the bad guys return and steal all the mannequins.
That’s right, they break into a department store to steal mannequins.
They risk prison… to steal mannequins. Obviously, when Andy discovers that his wooden girlfriend is missing he marches right over to confront all of the guilty people who immediately take responsibility for the terrible man-on-mannequin violence.
He once and for all refuses to work for their department store and demands Kimmy’s safe return. His ex gets pissed/jealous and, as all women do, decides to take it out on the other woman. She rounds up all the dummies and takes them to a big garbage shredder thingy.
“It’s totally your fault he hurt my feelings!”
A bunch of dummies get shredded before Andrew McCarthy arrives just in time to save Kim Cattrall. All the bad guys get arrested for… I don’t even know. They just do. And finally Kimmy turns into a real person in front of everyone and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.
Of course it ends with a wedding and the gay guy catches the bouquet, which is just cruel considering gay marriage wasn’t even legal back then.
And they make him stand there and watch. Bastards.
The credits roll to the sweet sounds of Jefferson Starship. Or just Starship. Or whatever the fuck they’re called.
What else can I say? Not good, not good at all. BUT believe it or not, I have seen worse.
DERP LEVEL: HIGH
And don’t be afraid to leave comments! If you liked the review, or thought it was the most unfunny shit you ever read, let us know! If you know us, you know our jimmies cannot be rustled. Have a suggestion or request? Leave it in the comments!
In the meantime…
Probably something fabulous! See you next week!
*Plains, Trains & Automobiles