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Going On Hiatus

Hey guys, so as you may have noticed, things have been quiet for a while now. The reason for that is that school has now taken over every spare moment and I no longer have the time to put in to the blog. I wish it wasn’t the case, but there it is. I may do a vlog now and again, but full-length reviews won’t be coming back for at least the next year or so. I’m glad I could provide you with some laughs and/or entertainment, and I hope to return when life slows down a bit.

 

See you later and keep on derpin’. ❤

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New Vlog!

Diana: Okay, here it is, u guise. My friend Nedu and I blab about the best and the worst of 2013 while drinking various alcoholic beverages and eating gummies. Hope it’s somewhat enjoyable. There are also some celebrity pics and other visual gags in there to hopefully motivate you to stick it out through the whole video. Happy New Year!

Good news, guys!

Diana: So for anyone that hasn’t been keeping up with us on Twitter or Facebook, we were invited to appear on the Nedu Show, on YouTube! The show is hosted by Nedu and usually features assorted nerdy/pop culture content. I appeared solo because Owen had other projects to handle at the time, hope you’re not too disappointed. I tried to keep it derpy though. We included a few pix in the video with the kind of commentary you’ve come to expect from the Derp Review. I’ll post a link to it once it’s been uploaded to YouTube so keep your eyes peeled!

Derp Update! Now, with more social media!

Diana: And we’re back! Yes, it’s been a while, but aren’t you happy to see us?

It’s a time of celebration. Like when you’re a couple of weeks late and you get your period.

Pregnancy_test

“Yay! Dodged another bullet!”

You know what’s actually very amusing about our prolonged absences from the blog is that when we come back and check out our stats, there are an insane amount of hits in the months when we aren’t posting any new content. It’s like the less we write, the more readers we get. It’s a mystery. Like the origin of the cosmos. Or where babies come from. Just kidding, that’s not a mystery.

penistree

They come from the Penis Tree!

So there’s actually no new review today (whomp whomp), BUT we do have some news for you. Despite my best efforts to avoid Twitter (because I find it narcissistic, asinine and generally loathsome), I have decided to create a Twitter account for the Derp Review. I know. Hear me out. We won’t be able to post another full length review for another 4-6 weeks due to work/life/school taking up all of our time. Even though it may seem like I bang these out quickly and carelessly, it actually takes a few hours to watch the movie, collect the screenshots, organize everything and write the jokes. SO, for the time being, we will be doing mini reviews on Twitter. Some screenshots with funny caps, crass one-liners, jokes about genitalia and all that other good stuff you’ve come to expect from the Derp Review. Plus, you can interact with us in real time (yay?) and submit your own jokes which we may or may not steal and post on the blog without your permission! How great is that?

Now get thee to the Twitterverse and give us a follow @DerpReview.

See you there!

THE ONE IN WHICH SOME WHITE KIDS FIGHT AND KILL EACH OTHER AND STUFF.

Diana: Omg we’re back again. I know, it’s been a while. Months, actually. Unfortunately, we’ve fallen behind on updating the blog because it’s summer and alcohol ain’t gonna go to parties and drink itself.

Now that we’ve gotten the excuses out of the way, we can move on to some Derp Review news. A while back we announced that we’d be doing a video review with our friend Ryan to show you guys how fucking hilarious we really are. Well, we recorded it but… it didn’t work out. We didn’t practice or prepare anything in advance so we ended up improvising for 2 hours and the result was a mess that should be used as a psychological torture device at Guantanamo. We talked over each other constantly and there was an unapologetic abundance of pedophilia jokes. So yeah, that review won’t be seeing the light of day any time soon.

We have not yet created our YouTube channel, but we do have it in the works. We are also in the process of starting our own indie pop band and we’ll be doing covers of Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins  ’cause we hard like that. We’ll either call ourselves “A Band Called Van Damme” or “Jean Claude Van Band”. Owen will play guitar and I will play the tambourine. Or the triangle.

Just. Like. That.

Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the review.

Tonight’s movie is the film adaptation of the best-selling, tween version of Running Man: The Hunger Games, starring Jennifer Lawrence.

Yeah, that’s her.

Hold steady, Picard.

Now that we’ve established her hotness we can move forward with the review. Keep in mind, she’s playing a kid in this movie. Fucking perverts.

Sounds like the kind of games they play in Africa. ALL THE TIME.

The story is set in a post-apocalyptic United States where only one city is awesome (The Capitol) and everywhere else is a shitty shithole. It’s not really made clear, but it seems that the entire continental U.S. is divided into “districts” and every year, each district has to offer up two kids (a boy and a girl) to compete in a fight to the death with one lone winner, which is televised. So, pretty much Running Man.

This serves as a sort of punishment because at some point in the past, the districts revolted against The Capitol. Whatever. Let’s see some angsty teens!

Jennifer Lawrence plays “Katniss Everdeen”. Did I mention all the names in this movie are stupid? Because they are.

Liam Hemsworth (Thor’s brother) plays “Gale Hawthorne”, Katniss’ best friend and hunting buddy.

Definitely the lesser of the two Hemsworths. Also Gale is a lady’s name. 

Next day, some weirdo from The Capitol arrives to select the sacrifices, I mean, contestants for the Hunger Games.

And surprisingly, it’s not Helena Bonham Carter. 

The only reason it isn’t Helena Bonham Carter is because Tim Burton had ZERO involvement in this movie. Thank God.

All the kids under 18 are gathered together and stand around waiting to find out which of them will win the worst lottery ever.

Obviously they’re in post-apocalyptic Connecticut. ‘Cause everyone’s white and wears old-timey clothes. 

It seems denim didn’t survive the nuclear catastrophe but prairie dresses did.

That’s a lot of Amish kids.

I get it. They’re trying to make it look like the holocaust. Like an Aryan holocaust.

Shut up, Alanis.

Names are drawn and Katniss’ little sister Tater Tot gets picked. Katniss freaks the fuck out and volunteers to take her place in the Games.

“It’s okay, I’m going to fight in your place. Nothing bad will ever happen to you!”

“You know they’re doing this again next year, right?”

A baker’s son named Peta also gets picked.

He still can’t believe his name is “Peta”. 

He fuckin’ hates animals and loves steaks.

Just die already.

So Katniss and Peta get into a car with fake Helena Bonham Carter, and head for The Capitol.

 

“It’s going to be wonderful! You two fight to the death, and we eat fine cheeses off your corpses!”

Sounds like a party Mitt Romney would enjoy.

They get on a train and Peta starts yapping about them helping each other out but I’m pretty sure he just wants to show her his willy.

“Come on. We’re going to die.”

“I need to get my weasel greased.”

“The only pleasure I’ve ever known is the warm grip of my own hand.”

His argument is compelling but Katniss is having none of it.

Their drunk mentor/coach comes in to give them advice. He’s played by Woody Harrelson, playing himself.

“Whoa there, boy. It’s only 3 pm and this is my first bottle of bourbon.”

“I love you, cocaine.”

What acting chops.

They ignore him and soon arrive at The Capitol. They get separated and after a weird bath and some eyebrow plucking (no joke), Katniss meets up with her spiritual counsellor, Lenny Kravitz.

“I’m half black, half jew, and all lover.”

All of the competitors get dressed up in the silliest get-ups you can imagine and get ready to be presented to The Capitol’s elite.

The Hunger Games producer is the creeper from American Beauty who used to film every fucking thing. Remember him? Now he’s got retarded facial hair.

“Yo man, I’mma let you finish, but this bag is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

The kids get on chariots (wtf) and are presented to the crowds. By the way, everyone in this city dresses like a fucking circus sideshow.

It’s like Baz Luhrmann and RuPaul sat in a two-person circle jerk and covered the world in their glittery baby batter.

The child sacrifices are paraded before the masses and Katniss and Peta come out wearing suits that spontaneously combust and yet, somehow, don’t burn them up.

“Smells like roasted pork.”

Big bad President-colonel Sanders is not amused.

“No fried chicken for you. Only fried death.”

Next, all of the contestants get interviewed by Stanley Tucci, and we get to see just how annoying Stanley Tucci can be.

Which is pretty fucking annoying.

Everyone does well in the interviews but Peta seems better at charming the clown crowd.

He confesses to dumbass Tucci that he has a crush on Katniss. Of course he does. Where would young adult fiction be without the love triangle?

Nevermind. 

Katniss, for reasons unknown, freaks out over his amorous declaration and corners him in the hallway to let him know that she is an independent woman.

“I don’t need no man! I pay mah own bills!”

Take it easy, bitch.

The next day, the Games begin. The kids are released into an “arena” that’s pretty much a contained mini-forest full of cameras. A dozen kids get killed right off the bat as they fight for limited food, weapons and supplies. Katniss and a few others take off into the woods to avoid being butchered.

Katniss climbs a tree and settles in for the night just as a big projection in the sky appears. It presents a slideshow of the contestants that have been killed thus far. Handy.

I wish they did this with dead celebrities. You know, just so we could stay on top of things. Is Jack Palance still alive?

Katniss soon discovers that about five of the murderous kids have formed an alliance in order to kill off the weaker competitors. Peta has also joined them. They eventually find her and chase her up a tree. Unable to climb up and get her (seriously, no one could climb up there after her?), or shoot her down with an arrow (?) they decide to camp out and wait until she comes down herself.

“Yep. She’s right there. Too bad that tree she just climbed is impossible to climb.”

Next morning, our heroine is the first to wake and spots a crazy huge wasps’ nest hanging from a branch above her. Not just any wasps, these are genetically engineered, hallucination-inducing wasps from the future. Yeah.

She cuts through the branch with her knife and the nest lands ker-splat, right on the sleeping baddies. They all get away, except for one unfortunate blonde girl who gets stung to death. Katniss climbs down and takes the opportunity to steal her wallet, I mean, bow and arrows.

That’s not so bad. She could still be Rocky Dennis‘ body double. Oh wait, he’s dead. Forget it, she can’t be anything then.

After a couple of days she ends up teaming up with a cute little black girl who informs her that the group of bad kids has taken control of all the food and supplies. They share a heart-warming moment while munching on some kind of barbecued bird and plotting to destroy the dominant team’s supplies stash.

“E-bo-ny and I-vo-ry, kill together in per-fect har-mo-ny.”

See what I did there? Heh.

Katniss takes off and burns up the pile of goodies accumulated by the baddies. I think one more kid dies but at this point who gives a fuck. We don’t even know their names so obviously they’re not in for a long shelf life.

She returns to find her little friend being attacked by some bitch. She tries to save her but her lil’ buddy ends up dying in her arms.

“Why did you have to die, girl I hardly knew??! WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Soon after, the producer with the douchey facial hair changes the rules so that there can now be two winners instead of just one. The reasons why he does this are too boring and pointless to go into, so I won’t.

She ends up finding Peta and teaming up with him. His leg is badly hurt, so she gives him a tonsil massage with her tongue to help with that.

And the tween audience has now gotten their money’s worth.

Her boy toy back home watches in silent disappointment, wondering where he went wrong.

“I wish my left testicle wasn’t shaped like a cashew. A long, hairy, purple cashew.”

The producer announced to the contestants that badly needed supplies are being deposited at the spot where they first started from. Katnip decides to go and try to get some medicine for Peta’s gimped out leg.

She fights some girl, gets helped out by a black dude and ends up retrieving the medicine. How fortunate.

She rubs some of the magic ointment on Peta’s leg and ta-da! the next day he’s magically cured. To express his gratitude, he offers, once again, to show her his todger.

“It’s really special! It blushes when you touch it and the tip looks like a smiley face!”

Just as things are starting to look up, the producer decides to release some massive, fucked up looking dogs into the mix.

Not those dogs.

These dogs.

The dogs chase them back to the starting point where they find the last remaining kid who looks exactly like Peta.

Slim Shady? Stan

They kill him and finally, FINALLY, after 10 hours of watching this movie, they’ve won The Hunger Games. Everything’s great now, right? Nothing could possibly go wrong. It’s all over.

Except that the dickhead producer with the impossibly unrealistic facial hair has decided to change the rules one last time. Oh joy, another twist.

Katnip and Peta are informed that there can no longer be two victors and that one of them must die.

Whoever loses the stare-down, dies. 

Peta gets distracted by a butterfly and Katniss guts him like a fish.

Just kidding. Instead of turning on each other like normal people desperate to survive, they decide to commit a double suicide and eat some poisoned berries so they’ll both die.

Except they don’t. They get stopped at the last minute by the show’s producer and are both declared winners. They do some more interviews with Annoying Tucci and head home.

Of course there’s a scene with her in a poofy dress, lest we forget this was written by a woman.

“Oh hey, I started dating your little sister while you were gone. Hope that’s cool.”

And so the movie ends and even though I lampooned it, I did like it. It was better than I’d imagined but not good enough to deserve all the hoopla surrounding it. Then again, most of the people praising it were tweeners and everyone knows tweeners are terrible liars.

Yes, I mean you, Jezebel.

I was pretty attentive to the movie and hardly derped at all so I’m going to give it four sexually frustrated bakers sons out of five running man ripoffs.

DERP LEVEL: LOW

DISASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

Diana: Hey y’all! We’re back from vacation and feelin’ fucking fantastic! Say that three times fast. We went to beautiful Hawaii and ended up not doing a Derp Review out there because, well, we were in HAWAII.

I’m not going to bore you with tourist stories or our seven photo albums. All I will say is that our week there was wonderful and romantic and also that Owen burns easily. Even with SPF 70 sunscreen on.

Lord Vader had a grand time though.

But seriously, why would he need skin protection? His skin already looks like raisin bran.

I submitted the question “What would Darth Vader wear to the beach?” to Yahoo! Answers. I’m sure the number one answer will be ‘Your mom”, but I’ll keep you posted nonetheless.

Getting back to the main point of all this… the movie review. What I’m attempting to do here today is akin to modern-day alchemy. Except instead of turning base matter into gold, I’ll be trying to take a piece of shit and make it presentable in some way. A presentable turd.

Today’s feature is ‘Masters Of The Universe’ starring Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella. Sounds promising, right? Everybody loves Dolph Lundgren, and some people have heard of Frank Langella. Plus, everyone I know has, at one time or another, watched the He-Man cartoons and they were okay, I guess. As far as shitty cartoons go.

That’s his avatar on Grindr.

We knew going into this that is was going to be bad but… we loves us some Dolph Lundgren. What’s not to love about a 6 ft 3, beefy, Nordic, chemical engineer/eurovision song competition host? Nothing, that’s what. He’s fucking awesome as demonstrated here in this video of him performing a cover of an Elvis song while playing drums and doing martial arts on stage.

Dolph for president? Fuck yes.

So the movie starts with the usual credits and grandiose theme music which look and sound suspiciously similar to the Superman movie credits and theme music – so you know it’s going to be GREAT.

Also rainbows. 

I’m going to basically run through this in a way that makes sense to me, as the narrative is itself ridiculously nonsensical.

Sooooo… the story begins with an introduction to Skeletor, our designated villain for the next two hours. We join him in Skeletor Castle (?) where he’s kind of being a dick to this old lady.

He’s also guarded by lots of Darth Vaders. Pretty boss.

The old lady is dressed in white, so naturally we can rightfully and predictably assume that she is on the good guys’ side.

“As long as you release me in time for Matlock, everything will be fine. Also, my diaper is full.”

No idea who she is or why she’s relevant so we’ll just move on.

Brigitte Nielsen, I mean, Dolph Lundgren, learns that the old lady in white has been kidnapped by Skeletor and sets out to rescue her. He’s pretty stoked, like John Travolta in a massage parlour full of naked men.

Excite!

He teams up with an farty old dude and his thong-wearing daughter.

Looks like that one came out with gravy. 

They end up befriending this repulsive little troll (aren’t they all though?) and he joins them on their quest.

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that he appears to be a not-so-subtle caricature of a certain ethnic group. 

They somehow sneak into Skeletor’s place and things don’t go very well.

Apparently, they had prepared for every kind of attack except lasers. 

That’s what happens when you bring a knife to a gun party. Or a gay cruise outfit to a skeleton-man’s castle. Now you know and…

This is how I learned that dogs require extra drinking water on a hot day. 

The good guys get their asses kicked so the troll helps them escape by using a magical device-thingy to open a portal in time and space.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t lead to this.

It leads to this. Courtney Cox, the diner waitress.

She chats with her co-workers about what a schmuck her boyfriend is and how she’s going to leave him and move to the city, where she’ll inevitably become a stripper. Or an extra in a bad Springsteen video.

He-Man and his companions land outside the diner and find they have lost the device that opens the time/space portals. So what do they do?

They eat fried chicken.

Yep, nothing like fried chicken in a time of crisis. Food solves all sorts of problems. Right, John Travolta?

Eating won’t make the gay go away.

Anyway, somehow Courtney Cox’s boyfriend finds the device-thingy and for some reason decides to take Courtney to their high school for some after-hours loitering. They hang out in the gym where there’s some kind of party decor going on, but no party. I can’t remember his name so I’ll just call him Kevin from now on. I seem to remember Kevin being a popular name in the 80s. And Brad.

So Kevin takes to the Casio keyboard and plays her a little piece he wrote called “Some Random Notes I Put Together Just Now” with the bossa nova beat in the background.

“So what do you think?”

“I liked the part before you started playing.”

Meanwhile, Skeletor sends out a special team of really ugly guys to kill He-Man and retrieve the portal-opening thing.

No idea why but this dude reminds me of Loretta Lynn. Or Kirsten Dunst in a couple of years

What up, fake Vin Diesel?

I know, they are a dream team. Just like Tokka and Rahzar. They are accompanied to Earth by a poor man’s Elvira.

Ready for the S&M float at the San Francisco Pride Parade. 

Hmm, now that I think about it, they could also pass for dance extras at a Backstreet Boys concert.

Remember this?

Don’t act like you don’t.

The baddies show up at Kevin’s place and try to steal the device. Alas, they are all outsmarted by Courtney Cox who gets away with it. Kirsten Dunst’s mom is not pleased.

“We would have had it if not for those meddling kids! Chicken livers!”

Skeletor freaks the fuck out and decides to handle it himself. He goes through the time/space portal with his “mighty army.”

Yep, I’m guessing there’s about 12 of them. 

And whatever the fuck this is.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to fight. 

Skeletor is confident he can destroy He-Man because he has one clear advantage: Superior Technology.

Skeletor’s computer.

He-Man’s computer.

Our heroes are soon overwhelmed by this amazing force. Skeletor steals the portal-opening device and makes a run for it.

But not before giving Courtney Cox a sever case of Pizza Leg. 

Luckily, Chewbacca stops by to lend a hand. 

Skeletor goes super saiyan just as he and Dolph cross through the portal. Everybody else does absolutely nothing, bad guys included.

Clint Eastwood?

Bill Nighy? Kevin Bacon? It really could any one of those three. Seriously, cover the upper part of his head with you hand and just look at the chin and mouth area. It could be any of those three guys, right?

So he and Dolph have a sort-of-epic-but-very-brief fight that decides the fate of… everything, really. Surprisingly, Skeletor doesn’t win. He wanted it so much more.

That scaffolding behind him is supposed to be Castle Grayskull by the way.

And that’s it! Thank sweet Jesus ’cause that one almost killed me. Sitting through this movie was a serious challenge. It sucked when it came out and it still sucks now.

DERP LEVEL: EXTREME.

ANDREW AND THE REAL GIRL.

Diana: Hey, we’re back! I know what you’re thinking and yes, we were away for quite a while. I’d love to say that we took a sabbatical from blogging because we were coming up with a bunch of fun and interesting stuff for you but… no. The reality is we spent all this time sitting on our couch doing none of that.

Good times. 

I keed, I keed. Truth is we do have some news that may or may not interest you depending on how drunk and/or lonely you are. First off, in an unabashed effort to boost our readership and daily hits, we will very soon be launching our own YouTube channel which will contain musical parodies and videos chronicling our hilarious and zany hijinks.

Secondly, in a few days we will be taking the Derp Review on the road! We will be reviewing a poopy movie from an undisclosed, exotic locale which will make it more exciting. For us.

Thirdly, we will be doing our first ever live video Derp Review in a couple of weeks which will feature our friend and guest reviewer Ryan where we’ll basically be replacing any witty commentary with drunken gibberish.

Sounds about right.

Yep, there will be plenty of opportunities for you, the reader, to mock us at your leisure. Now let’s get to the good shit: MOVIE TIME!

Today’s buffet of bad is ‘Mannequin’ from 1987, starring 80’s heartthrob Andrew McCarthy and a half-decent looking Kim Cattrall. Turns out she didn’t always look like a used up sperm receptacle. Ooooh, too harsh?

Ahem. So the movie starts with a stupid scene that introduces us to Kim as she hides out in a tomb in ancient Egypt, trying to avoid her neurotic, controlling (Jewish?) mother who wants her to marry a camel dung dealer. Harr harr.

No Kim, she said ‘camel DUNG dealer’ not camel DONG dealer. Sheesh.

Somehow, she manages to disappear and time travel to the 1980s. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream*. Just go with it.

Next we meet Andrew McCarthy who, like Steve Guttenberg, was in every movie in the 80s. I wonder if they were ever in a movie together. I guess I could google it if I gave a shit.

So Andrew plays some kind of ‘artist’. He works a series of odd jobs that he promptly gets himself fired from.

Like all artists, he’s temperamental and requires a firm hand. And this guy is more than willing to shove that hand up his ass. 

He ends up working at a mannequin factory but spends so much time talking to the dummies about his feelings that he, once again, gets fired.

When you’ve been canned that many times, it loses the sting of humiliation. 

He picks up his mom, I mean, girlfriend at work and tells her that he is newly unemployed.

“I made you dinner. It’s hot pockets.”

She, of course dumps him – not because all women are gold-diggers, but because it’s too damn hard to date someone who’s broke all the time. DENY IT IF YOU DARE.

Next day, he saves Estelle Getty’s life and she rewards him by giving him a job at her department store. Coincidentally, his favorite mannequin from his doll factory days is displayed in the window of this very same store. Suprise!

He meets fellow window dresser Hollywood Montrose (Meshach Taylor) who embodies every retarded gay stereotype you can imagine. He’s silly, sassy, effeminate, wears wacky clothes, snaps his fingers, hoots and hollers, and generally sets gay people back 100 years. This might be considered offensive if the movie wasn’t already filled with so much stupid shit.

“Woo child! We are artistes! Create honey, CREATE!”

He actually says that. I’m not exaggerating.

Later that night, Kimmy comes to life and appears to be attracted to Andrew McCarthy. Who wouldn’t be? Weekend At Bernie’s was a pretty big deal.

“You have a working penis, right? Good enough.”

Then comes the best part EVAR, omg you guise it’s the 80s dress up montage!!!!11!

This is how I type at work. 

“Well, now that that’s over, can I take a gander at your fine taco?”

Not yet, slick. We still have an hour of movie to go. Andrew McCarthy and Kimmy McPlasticParts make some fancy window displays and all of a sudden their store is a success! Maybe the Bay should hire them. For real though, I’m surprised more goths don’t hang out at the Bay ’cause that place makes me wanna cut myself. Depressing as fuck.

Andrew’s ex-girlfriend/mom works at a rival department store and she conspires with James Spader and some other meanies to get Andrew McCarthy to leave his job and go work for them instead. She takes him out to dinner and tries to charm him.

I have better chemistry with a slice of pizza.

Unsurprisingly, he refuses and walks out on her.

Back at the store, Andrew’s fruit loop behavior (carrying around and talking to the mannequin) has not gone unnoticed but Hollywood doesn’t judge.

“Wood is wood, honey.”

The security guard (aka the guy from ‘Police Academy’) is working with the baddies from the rival department store and keeps getting in Andy’s face, not exactly sure what he’s trying to accomplish with that but whatevs. He’s got a cute dog which is far more interesting.

This dog has obviously graduated from the same obedience school as ours. 

Shitting in the house is hard work.

For some reason, our hero gets promoted to vice-president of the company. Uh huh. He tries to tell Kimmy the good news but she does the old hush-and-kiss-me. Don’t ever do this, people. It’s not romantic, it’s fucking annoying.

“I was still talking.”

In case you haven’t figured it out, Andy’s the only one who can see her as a real person, when anyone else comes around, she turns back into a mannequin. As if this schmuck doesn’t have enough problems.

Then he takes her on a date…

“In Japan this is totally normal.”

The baddies chase them in an attempt to steal the mannequin, I guess.

They loose the baddies and go ride around on Andy’s motorcycle.

He actually looks like he’s wondering if he’s gonna get some. As if there’s any doubt. Rest easy little grasshopper, Kim Cattrall is a sure thing.

Told ya.

Next day, the bad guys return and steal all the mannequins.

That’s right, they break into a department store to steal mannequins. 

They risk prison… to steal mannequins. Obviously, when Andy discovers that his wooden girlfriend is missing he marches right over to confront all of the guilty people who immediately take responsibility for the terrible man-on-mannequin violence.

He once and for all refuses to work for their department store and demands Kimmy’s safe return. His ex gets pissed/jealous and, as all women do, decides to take it out on the other woman. She rounds up all the dummies and takes them to a big garbage shredder thingy.

“It’s totally your fault he hurt my feelings!”

A bunch of dummies get shredded before Andrew McCarthy arrives just in time to save Kim Cattrall. All the bad guys get arrested for… I don’t even know. They just do.  And finally Kimmy turns into a real person in front of everyone and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.

Of course it ends with a wedding and the gay guy catches the bouquet, which is just cruel considering gay marriage wasn’t even legal back then.

And they make him stand there and watch. Bastards.

The credits roll to the sweet sounds of Jefferson Starship. Or just Starship. Or whatever the fuck they’re called.

What else can I say? Not good, not good at all. BUT believe it or not, I have seen worse.

DERP LEVEL: HIGH

And don’t be afraid to leave comments! If you liked the review, or thought it was the most unfunny shit you ever read, let us know! If you know us, you know our jimmies cannot be rustled. Have a suggestion or request? Leave it in the comments!

In the meantime…

Probably something fabulous! See you next week!

 

 

 

*Plains, Trains & Automobiles