Category: MOVIES

New Vlog!

Diana: Okay, here it is, u guise. My friend Nedu and I blab about the best and the worst of 2013 while drinking various alcoholic beverages and eating gummies. Hope it’s somewhat enjoyable. There are also some celebrity pics and other visual gags in there to hopefully motivate you to stick it out through the whole video. Happy New Year!

Advertisements

THAT TIME EVERYONE PRETENDED KIM BASINGER WAS ATTRACTIVE

Diana: A week or so behind schedule, but here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for! The review in which we revisit a simpler time, when super-hero movies were new, Michael Keaton was almost bangable and Tim Burton made movies without Helena Bonham-Carter.

slinky

A time when children were tricked into thinking that a metal coil was a toy.

Today’s movie is Batman from 1989! Let’s go!

The movie opens with two junkies mugging this wholesome looking family.

2013-08-20_152856

This is what junkies looked like in 1989. 

So Batman shows up, kicks one guy and punishes the other one by…

2013-08-20_153402

Taking him for a little walk on a leash.

2013-08-20_154918

And threatening him a little bit. 

Then he jumps off a building and disappears!

2013-08-20_155200

2013-08-20_155256

2013-08-20_155314

He’s so good at this.

Wherever her goes, he leaves a smoke machine behind.

The next day (I guess?), we see what basically amounts to a brief cameo by Billy Dee Williams playing Harvey Dent.

2013-08-20_160256

YES PEOPLE BORN IN THE 90S, HARVEY DENT USED TO BE BLACK.

Before this…

Two-Face_Tommy_Lee_Jones

And this.

aaron eckhart

Although in Tommy Lee Jones’ case, they should’ve called the character “One Face” because both sides are basically the same.

So Billy Dee promises to rid Gotham City of crime, blah blah.

Meanwhile, gangster Jack Nicholson has a laugh about how he’s banging his boss’ girlfriend behind his back.

2013-08-20_160735

Oh yeah, Jerry Hall is in this. I guess playing with Mick Jagger’s shriveled up wiener has it’s perks.

mick jagger

Ass ugly face + horrible singing voice = Success!

Next we meet photojournalist (lol) Vicki Vale, the love interest and otherwise pointless character, played by Kim Basinger, who was sort of a big deal back then. I don’t really know why. She wasn’t particularly likable and not quite pretty enough to be real leading lady material.

2013-08-20_165240

Red lipstick ain’t enough.

She partners up with fake Steve Guttenberg, determined to find out more about the mysterious Batman. And his peen, which she will inevitably sample at some point. Actually, it would be awesome if the penis had a little mask and cape as well. Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnyyywaayysssss.

Jack Nicholson’s boss is none other than Jack Palance.

2013-08-20_165756

Most notable for telling Billy Crystal he took shits bigger than him and then dropping down to do 20 push-ups. And turning up in random movies.

Such as:

Gor II

That’s him in the hat.

And now you know more than you ever wanted to know about Jack Palance. Sorry about that.

Crime boss Jack Palance orders Jack Nicholson to carry out some kind of robbery at a chemical plant, and the whole thing really, REALLY feels like a setup. But Jack Nicholson seems completely oblivious to crazed look on his boss’ face.

2013-08-20_172452

“I know you’ve been milking my cow.”

Cut to Wayne Manor, where there’s some kind of hoity-toity party going on.

2013-08-20_174159

Is it just me or were the 1% way less repulsive back then?

Kim Averager and Fake Steve Guttenberg somehow score invites and try to interview some peeps, and we are finally introduced to Bruce Wayne.

2013-08-20_173235

You know, the hair was bad, but he was still sort of hot. The suit helped. A lot.

2013-08-20_173204

No man can resist the allure of Paper Towel Dress Barbie!

He’s just about to put the moves on her when he overhears the police chief saying there’s some funny business going down at the chemical plant. Get it? “Funny” business.

debbie

Oh, you didn’t like that joke? Let’s see you do better, Debbie Downer. Fucking bitch.

The cops show up at the chemical plant (tipped off by Jack’s cuckolded boss) and… well, you know how this goes.

2013-08-20_175616

Best thing to do when cops are shooting at you? If you said “run away”, you are wrong.

2013-08-20_175537

The correct answer is push every button and pull every fucking switch in the place. Brilliant!

2013-08-21_145153

“Let’s play Who-Can-Fall-In-The-Toxic-Sludge-First!”

2013-08-20_180435

“You win!”

Your prize is insanity.

Green goo is so temperamental though. Sometimes it makes turtles do martial arts and other times it turns guys into deranged psycho clowns.

So after a busy night of playing dress up, Bruce Wayne invites Kim Basinderp over for dinner.

2013-08-20_180706

At Castle Dracula.

Come on, look at the size of that place. And he only has one servant?

2013-08-20_180847

“You know what they say about about men with long tables, right? Hurr hurr.”

Long tables… lots of money? I don’t know.

They flirt awkwardly while referencing his enormous wealth, and then spend the next few minutes talking all about him. Which apparently works because a. he’s rich, and b. she’s easy. So basically, all of Phil Collins’ relationships.

Bruce Wayne is a classy guy though.

2013-08-20_181737

Which is why he let her spend the night and put her greasy peroxide head on his 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets.

2013-08-20_181803

And he sleeps upside-down like a bat. Really, Tim Burton? Really?

2013-08-20_181129

Meanwhile, in an abortion clinic in Tijuana…

Jack gets some much needed cosmetic surgery to repair his melted face, and thus becomes The Joker!

2013-08-20_181611

So that’s what Robert Smith would look like if he lost the weight.

You know, considering the fucked up childhood Jack Nicholson had IRL, it’s amazing he didn’t become a crazy murderer. I mean, have you read about his life? It’s messed up.

He kills Jack Palance, then meets with all the crime lords of Gotham and bullies them into making him their leader.

2013-08-20_182124

What up, Albert Einstein?

2013-08-20_182315

Rob Halford photobomb!

It’s the day after Kimmy got poked with Bruce’s bat-stick, and she wants to hang out again, but he tells her he’s busy because goddamn it, a man needs his space.

2013-08-21_171324

It’s not me, it’s you. Peasant.

She’s totally cool with handling rejection, and goes about her day…

2013-08-21_173602

2013-08-21_173452

2013-08-21_173657

2013-08-21_173721

Just kidding. She stalks him.

Guy can’t even leave some roses on the sidewalk for his dead parents anymore. Jaysus.

2013-08-21_173845

“Dear Mom & Dad, sorry you died. Thanks for leaving me all the jewgoldz.”

2013-08-21_173932

No, don’t pick up the flowers! Now you’ve contaminated them with your poor people hands.

On the other side of town, Joker is keeping busy by putting his toxic mystery substance “Smilex” in all of Gotham’s beauty products, which causes people to die with a big, stupid grin on their faces.

2013-08-21_180913

2013-08-21_181053

megryan

He decides to celebrate by breaking into a museum and defacing some art.

2013-08-21_181745

“Surprise! The Sugar Plum Priest/Biker Squad is here!”

With this song playing the entire time:

Yes, it is a song called “Party Man”.

So he shows Kimmy (who happens to be there), Jerry Hall’s new mask.

2013-08-21_181428

Tim Burton’s dream girl. I mean the mask, not Jerry Hall. Just the mask.

He harasses Kim for a few more minutes until Batman arrives to save her.

2013-08-21_195117

“Feel that? The dark knight RISES.”

Bat-pole.

They escape in the batmobile, and you know what?

2013-08-21_192837

It doesn’t look that cool anymore.

For some reason I remember it looking better in Batman Returns, even though I’m fairly sure it’s the same car.

2013-08-21_193342

They drive through Sleepy Hollow on the way to the bat-cave. God, I am so grateful Johnny Depp isn’t in this.

Once in the safety of grown man fantasy gadget lair, our hero lets Kimmy know that he’s discovered which combinations of beauty products cause smiley-death.

2013-08-22_162959

“None of this shit affects me btw. All my shampoo is imported from the south of France on the backs of exotic looking children.”

So with that crisis averted, another day passes.

Next morning, he pays her a visit (as Bruce Wayne). I’m not really sure why she’s upset as soon as she opens the door but whatever. Everyone’s moody in Tim Burton Land.

2013-08-22_164941

2013-08-22_164949

“Here, have this shitty flower. Can I get in your pants again?”

Michael Keaton at the door with a popped collar and a $1.00 carnation? Color me moist.

The Joker pops in and says some more dumb shit, and we’re on to the next scene.

Kimmy finds out Bruce Wayne’s parents were murdered. Her maternal instincts kick in and she instantly forgives him for not calling her after that one time they boned.

Meanwhile, in the bat-cave, Alfred is getting preachy.

2013-08-22_172523

“I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving over the loss of old friends. Or their sons.”

I love how he calls the billionaires he cleans up after, his “friends”. That’s cute. Now go make Master Bruce a sandwich. AND DON’T FORGET THE FUCKING GREY POUPON.

Flashback Time!

2013-08-22_173818

Take it in, ladies.

He’s reminiscing over his parents’ death when he realizes that…

2013-08-22_180804

They were killed by a young Jack Nicholson who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson. 

So many twists and turns! Suddenly, Kimmy shows up. Yep, Alfred just let her in. For no reason. Just ’cause.

2013-08-22_181107

Wait, I recognize that outfit…

For fuck’s sake, was there anything Steve Jobs DIDN’T steal?

Kim pouts around and I think she’s trying to get him to stop being Batman. Once again, they banged ONCE. One time. So. Damn. Clingy.

So Meg Ryan, I mean The Joker, throws a huge party and again, Prince provides the music.

2013-08-22_183839

In exchange, Joker has to give Prince all of his clothes. And accessories.

He draws the crowd in by throwing wads of cash at them.

2013-08-22_184336

2013-08-22_184353

All the strippers instinctively get naked.

But it’s all a trick, of course. And the Joker’s parade balloons start releasing toxic gas onto the crowds.

2013-08-22_185113

2013-08-22_192940

Nice custom Joker jacket, Henchman #1.

Not to worry though, Batman arrives in his bat-jet (?) and takes the balloons away.

2013-08-22_193659

2013-08-22_193715

Okay, that’s pretty cool.

He swoops down and closes in on his arch-nemesis. Good thing he has millions of dollars worth of technology behind him.

2013-08-22_194032

2013-08-22_194101

2013-08-22_194244

aaaaaaaaannnndd he misses.

Jack Nicholson, however, is a better shot and blows up his fancy jet with one bullet.

2013-08-22_194821

2013-08-22_194933

Okay then.

Joker grabs Kimmy (why does anyone still care about her at this point?) and drags her up into the church tower. Batman follows and fights off the remaining henchmen.

2013-08-22_201549

2013-08-22_201425

Including Ray Charles.

In the end, the Joker gets his ankle caught in a batarang and tied to a gargoyle while trying to escape.

2013-08-22_205545

A gargoyle with a very small bum.

He ends up falling to his death and Gotham City is safe once again! It’s implied that Kim McLongFace and Bruce “My Parents Are Dead” Wayne end up together and the movie closes with this final shot:

2013-08-22_210056

Perfect desktop wallpaper for people who never get laid.

And we’re done! That wasn’t too painful. 

Final thoughts: Is it campy? Yes. But I’ll gladly take this and Batman Returns over any of the Christopher Nolan reboots any day. Know why? Because they take themselves TOO GODDAMN SERIOUSLY. And you can’t ask the audience to take you 100% seriously if you’re filming a bunch of grown man, running around wearing costumes.

Christian-Bale-Batman-Begins-cowl

That stupid growling doesn’t sound nearly as cool as you think it does, man.

Joss Whedon understood this and made sure there were plenty of jokes in The Avengers, which is why it was so well balanced and enjoyable. That said, this really is the Keaton and Nicholson show. Everyone else is basically static in the background. The music is really good though, probably Danny Elfman’s best work. You know, before he started making lesser versions of in every other movie he worked on. Regardless, I enjoyed it. Maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but I can’t help it.

All in all, I’ll give it 4 escaped mental patients out of 5 bat-themed vehicles.

DERP LEVEL: MEDIUM

Next time, on the review: Reader’s Choice! A special request from one of my favorite readers and twitter followers (you know who you are!).

Want to suggest a movie or make a request? Leave it in the comments below or follow us on Twitter (@DerpReview) or Facebook. You know you want to.

join me

Last Minute Update! Attention All Batman Fans! Prepare your jimmies for an epic rustling. Ben Fucking Affleck has just been announced as the new Batman in the upcoming Batman/Superman movie. First Val Cheeseburger Kilmer, then George Bobblehead Clooney… haven’t we been through enough?!

planet

Oz The Boring and Stupid

Diana: Hey movie-lovers! Whatsa goin’ on? We’ve been derping up on the Twitters for the last few months but now we’re back on the blog with some full-length reviews as promised! We’ve gotten a couple of requests so we should have some entertaining material for the next few weeks. Today’s goody? Oz The Great And Powerful. “But Diana”, you ask, “we all know you loathe James Franco, why would you review this movie?” And the answer is, because sometimes you get fulfillment out of observing and discussing things you absolutely hate. Seriously, why else would anyone pay attention to Glenn Beck?

glenn derp

“Hurr durr black people are scary.”

What a goddamn waste of sperm and eggs. Speaking of James Franco, some of you may think he’s an okay actor, maybe even an okay person. WRONG. He is a terrible actor, and a smug writer of insufferable shitty poetry that reeks of privilege. Plus his smarmy face.

douchefranco

horse

Now that I’ve adequately justified my hate, it’s time to move on to the shitfest that is this movie.

First impressions:

2013-07-25_144446

Uuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2013-07-25_144519

Overrated.

2013-07-25_144539

Has seen Daniel Craig’s dick and ballz.

2013-07-25_144553

Dawson’s Creek and Heath Ledger’s baby momma. There, I just summarized her entire life.

2013-07-25_150013

Oh god, no.

Music is by Danny Elfman btw. And guess what? It sounds suspiciously similar to the Batman Returns ost, the Nightmare Before Christmas ost, and just about every other Danny Elfman soundtrack. Versatility is not his forte.

burton-carteruuggghhh

Join the One Trick Pony Club.

I think it’s fair to say we’ve seen all that these motherfuckers have to offer, no?

The movie begins in Kansas, with a young Oz performing as a circus magician, and just being an all around sleazy dude.

2013-07-25_160954

Protip: guys who say shit like this usually can’t get an erection. Or at least, not an erection you’d write home about. 

He gets chased by the circus strong man and hops into a hot air balloon just as a tornado lands. Pure coincidence, of course. He asks god (or some such person) to save him. Let me just say that this right here proves that there is no god. If there was a god, James Franco would not exist.

2013-07-25_170529

Lies.

Unfortunately for us, he survives unscathed and arrives in the Land of Oz, safe and sound, and in color.

2013-07-25_170818

Nice CGI, eh? JUST WAIT.

2013-07-25_174545

2013-07-25_174603

2013-07-25_174625

dolanoz

What? I don’t even know how that Dolan got in there.

Was it supposed to look fake? I guess we haven’t come that far after all.

poopins

Basically, this + computers.

Oz lands in the land of Oz (why’d they have to have the same fucking name?), and meets love interest #1, Mila Kunis, who is also a witch. Naturally, he takes the opportunity to lay on the sleaze.

2013-07-25_175653

“My shit-eating grin brings all the witches to the yard.”

2013-07-25_175825

In this frame, there is a brief moment of clarity and realization. You can see it on her face. “I AM IN A MOVIE STARRING JAMES FRANCO.”

She gets back to reading her lines and tells him he’s the long awaited king of Oz. King Oz of the Land of Oz.

President_Barack_Obama

President Obama of the United Obamas of Obama. 

They head for Emerald City and meet up with a monkey voiced by Zach Barf.

2013-07-25_190419

I’m sure Garden State 2 will be FANTASTIC.

And to all of the undoubtedly refined and discerning people who donated money to this hack’s kickstarter, I have one thing to say:

killyourselves

And that’s from the heart, yo.

So James Farto, Mila Kuntis and monkey boy arrive at the Emerald City pretty easily and meet up with another witch. I really can’t be bothered with their stupid names, but it’s the one played by Rachel Weisz.

2013-07-25_190602

Nope, doesn’t look evil at all.

She tells Jizz Franco that to become King Oz of Oz, he must kill the Wicked Witch, and in return he will receive all of her witchgoldz.

2013-07-25_190704

Taking a dip in Mark Zuckerberg’s pool.

Scrooge McDuck called. He said, “carry on.”

Determined to possess all the currency and all the bitches, he sets off to kill the Wicked Witch. He stops in a smashed up tea cup town and rescues a porcelain doll, who then becomes sidekick #2. They share a (forced) little tender moment when he repairs her broken china legs with a glue stick.

2013-07-25_200142

“My only purpose is to make James Franco more sympathetic to the viewer!”

Good luck with that.

They hop along through the dark and scary forest (which isn’t the least bit scary) and come upon the Wicked Witch. Except she isn’t a wicked witch at all, she’s Glinda the good witch.

2013-07-25_201326

2/10: would not bang

Dat wig, gurrllll.

She tells Jizz Franco that Rachel Weisz is actually the evil one. Surprise, surprise. Wow, what a great story.

Meanwhile back at the Emerald City, Rachel has convinced Mila that Sleazy Franco is dipping his wick in all the witches. Poking them with his wand. Feeding them his Franco and beans. Penis.

She runs off into another room and busts out her best over-acting, community theater scream.

2013-07-25_201754

2013-07-25_201921

2013-07-25_201901

2013-07-25_201936

Meryl Streep, hand over the motherfuckin’ Oscars! Mila Kunis has released the fabled cry-scream! Oh the emotion!

tumblr_m1zdt5NqNA1qbnggp

Evil witch Rachel sends her flying monkeys off to kill Jerk Franco.

2013-07-25_210024

When a chick makes this face, you should pull it out of her butt. Just sayin’.

2013-07-25_210106

And really, those killer monkeys can’t get there fast enough for me. 

Glinda does some magic stuff and they easily escape the monkeys. Boo.

And now, allow me to present CGI’s Greatest Hits Volume 2!

2013-07-25_211231

2013-07-25_211522

2013-07-25_211613

2013-07-25_211705

“haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

2013-07-25_221301

Yum. That’s some TV movie caliber shit right there!

2013-07-25_221553

They all pass through a magical wall and enter a land that only “pure-hearted souls” can enter.

Wait, what? How the fuck does James Franco pass through? I mean, he’s very obviously been a lying, cheating, condescending prick throughout the entire movie. The writers are so fucking insistent on making him a hero that they will quite literally contradict themselves. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m trying to apply logic here, I must be sober again. Moving on.

Back in Emerald City, Rachel gives Maybelline Kunis a magical apple to cure her broken heart.

2013-07-25_223403

That’s all it takes to turn a rooster into a hen. Remember that, fellas.

I guess the apple does *technically* cure her broken heart as it makes it totally wither away.

2013-07-25_223910

It also turns her into the Hulk.

Cut back to Glinda and Oz. They have now enlisted the Munchkins to fight against the wicked witches. Naturally, they celebrate the news with a crappy song.

2013-07-25_225053

Trust me. This looks way better than it sounds.

Fortunately, evil Mila Kunis crashed the midget party and puts an end to the singing.

2013-07-25_225554

And she has chola eyebrows. Awesome.

chola

It really gives you that wide awake look.

Perpetual surprise.

She makes a few threats and leaves. Why? I don’t know. She could’ve finished them right there and put us all out of our misery.

Back in Munchkin Land…

2013-07-25_231511

2013-07-25_231524

2013-07-26_003442

“Herpes!”

If only. Actually, what he has is a plan to defeat the wicked witches using stage props, dummies and a projector. ‘Cause that’s how battles are won.

The battle is super boring and predictably, very easily won, so I won’t bore you with extensive details.

Once inside the Emerald City, Average Glinda is captured by the other witches, who try to hurt her (or mildly discomfort her, I guess) with some Darth Sidious style hand-lasers.

2013-07-26_005711

She’s totally okay though.

Jackoff Franco saves her by… projecting his face on a cloud and lighting fireworks. Obviously this works.

2013-07-26_010200

He looks hungry.

Oz2

All better!

Come on, you guys knew I was gonna go there.

The evil witches run off in different directions, but not before Mila Kunis decides to show us her “range” again and scream at the camera.

2013-07-26_010815

Her voice is terrifying. And not in a scary, eerie way. It sounds like a nasally, drunk, deranged sorority girl throwing a tantrum. Truly awful.

I thought actors were supposed to have good voices?

nanny

Well played, Fran Drescher. Well played.

So Mila’s out. Only one thing left – the “epic” (2 minute) battle between Glinda and Evil Rachel Weisz.

2013-07-26_015120

So. Much. Lens flare.

2013-07-26_015139

You know JJ Abrams shot his fucking load when he saw this.

Blondie rips off her magical necklace rendering her powerless. Who knew it was that easy. She immediately turns into a dusty old bag.

Joan Rivers

Close.

2013-07-26_015327

There we are. She gets carried away by two flying monkeys and that’s the end of her.

So Oz stays in Oz and makes out with Glinda behind the curtain.

2013-07-26_020557

Creepy Creepington.

2013-07-26_020629

“Tastes like narcissism and shitty paintings.”

And we’re done! And not a moment too soon because it is 2 am and I AM TIRED OF YOUR SHIT, JAMES FRANCO.

As evidenced above, this movie was terrible. Even the parts that are meant to be cute and fun are utterly joyless. Like a huge dark cloud of sad hanging over everyone and everything. It has none of the charm and wonder of the original. Probably because Disney does not own the original film, Warner Bros does, so they were pretty limited in which content they could actually re-purpose. Given the circumstances, I don’t get why they bothered to make this shit pile at all.

But never mind all that. What’s the moral of the story here? If that you act like a selfish douche your entire life, you will be rewarded! 

I hate everything about this movie and I sincerely pity anyone who paid money to see this. And if you liked it, and I know you, you can get the fuck out of my life because you have appallingly bad taste. Unless you give me baked goods. Then you can stay.

DERP LEVEL: EXTREME 

Next week…

batman1989

ANDREW AND THE REAL GIRL.

Diana: Hey, we’re back! I know what you’re thinking and yes, we were away for quite a while. I’d love to say that we took a sabbatical from blogging because we were coming up with a bunch of fun and interesting stuff for you but… no. The reality is we spent all this time sitting on our couch doing none of that.

Good times. 

I keed, I keed. Truth is we do have some news that may or may not interest you depending on how drunk and/or lonely you are. First off, in an unabashed effort to boost our readership and daily hits, we will very soon be launching our own YouTube channel which will contain musical parodies and videos chronicling our hilarious and zany hijinks.

Secondly, in a few days we will be taking the Derp Review on the road! We will be reviewing a poopy movie from an undisclosed, exotic locale which will make it more exciting. For us.

Thirdly, we will be doing our first ever live video Derp Review in a couple of weeks which will feature our friend and guest reviewer Ryan where we’ll basically be replacing any witty commentary with drunken gibberish.

Sounds about right.

Yep, there will be plenty of opportunities for you, the reader, to mock us at your leisure. Now let’s get to the good shit: MOVIE TIME!

Today’s buffet of bad is ‘Mannequin’ from 1987, starring 80’s heartthrob Andrew McCarthy and a half-decent looking Kim Cattrall. Turns out she didn’t always look like a used up sperm receptacle. Ooooh, too harsh?

Ahem. So the movie starts with a stupid scene that introduces us to Kim as she hides out in a tomb in ancient Egypt, trying to avoid her neurotic, controlling (Jewish?) mother who wants her to marry a camel dung dealer. Harr harr.

No Kim, she said ‘camel DUNG dealer’ not camel DONG dealer. Sheesh.

Somehow, she manages to disappear and time travel to the 1980s. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream*. Just go with it.

Next we meet Andrew McCarthy who, like Steve Guttenberg, was in every movie in the 80s. I wonder if they were ever in a movie together. I guess I could google it if I gave a shit.

So Andrew plays some kind of ‘artist’. He works a series of odd jobs that he promptly gets himself fired from.

Like all artists, he’s temperamental and requires a firm hand. And this guy is more than willing to shove that hand up his ass. 

He ends up working at a mannequin factory but spends so much time talking to the dummies about his feelings that he, once again, gets fired.

When you’ve been canned that many times, it loses the sting of humiliation. 

He picks up his mom, I mean, girlfriend at work and tells her that he is newly unemployed.

“I made you dinner. It’s hot pockets.”

She, of course dumps him – not because all women are gold-diggers, but because it’s too damn hard to date someone who’s broke all the time. DENY IT IF YOU DARE.

Next day, he saves Estelle Getty’s life and she rewards him by giving him a job at her department store. Coincidentally, his favorite mannequin from his doll factory days is displayed in the window of this very same store. Suprise!

He meets fellow window dresser Hollywood Montrose (Meshach Taylor) who embodies every retarded gay stereotype you can imagine. He’s silly, sassy, effeminate, wears wacky clothes, snaps his fingers, hoots and hollers, and generally sets gay people back 100 years. This might be considered offensive if the movie wasn’t already filled with so much stupid shit.

“Woo child! We are artistes! Create honey, CREATE!”

He actually says that. I’m not exaggerating.

Later that night, Kimmy comes to life and appears to be attracted to Andrew McCarthy. Who wouldn’t be? Weekend At Bernie’s was a pretty big deal.

“You have a working penis, right? Good enough.”

Then comes the best part EVAR, omg you guise it’s the 80s dress up montage!!!!11!

This is how I type at work. 

“Well, now that that’s over, can I take a gander at your fine taco?”

Not yet, slick. We still have an hour of movie to go. Andrew McCarthy and Kimmy McPlasticParts make some fancy window displays and all of a sudden their store is a success! Maybe the Bay should hire them. For real though, I’m surprised more goths don’t hang out at the Bay ’cause that place makes me wanna cut myself. Depressing as fuck.

Andrew’s ex-girlfriend/mom works at a rival department store and she conspires with James Spader and some other meanies to get Andrew McCarthy to leave his job and go work for them instead. She takes him out to dinner and tries to charm him.

I have better chemistry with a slice of pizza.

Unsurprisingly, he refuses and walks out on her.

Back at the store, Andrew’s fruit loop behavior (carrying around and talking to the mannequin) has not gone unnoticed but Hollywood doesn’t judge.

“Wood is wood, honey.”

The security guard (aka the guy from ‘Police Academy’) is working with the baddies from the rival department store and keeps getting in Andy’s face, not exactly sure what he’s trying to accomplish with that but whatevs. He’s got a cute dog which is far more interesting.

This dog has obviously graduated from the same obedience school as ours. 

Shitting in the house is hard work.

For some reason, our hero gets promoted to vice-president of the company. Uh huh. He tries to tell Kimmy the good news but she does the old hush-and-kiss-me. Don’t ever do this, people. It’s not romantic, it’s fucking annoying.

“I was still talking.”

In case you haven’t figured it out, Andy’s the only one who can see her as a real person, when anyone else comes around, she turns back into a mannequin. As if this schmuck doesn’t have enough problems.

Then he takes her on a date…

“In Japan this is totally normal.”

The baddies chase them in an attempt to steal the mannequin, I guess.

They loose the baddies and go ride around on Andy’s motorcycle.

He actually looks like he’s wondering if he’s gonna get some. As if there’s any doubt. Rest easy little grasshopper, Kim Cattrall is a sure thing.

Told ya.

Next day, the bad guys return and steal all the mannequins.

That’s right, they break into a department store to steal mannequins. 

They risk prison… to steal mannequins. Obviously, when Andy discovers that his wooden girlfriend is missing he marches right over to confront all of the guilty people who immediately take responsibility for the terrible man-on-mannequin violence.

He once and for all refuses to work for their department store and demands Kimmy’s safe return. His ex gets pissed/jealous and, as all women do, decides to take it out on the other woman. She rounds up all the dummies and takes them to a big garbage shredder thingy.

“It’s totally your fault he hurt my feelings!”

A bunch of dummies get shredded before Andrew McCarthy arrives just in time to save Kim Cattrall. All the bad guys get arrested for… I don’t even know. They just do.  And finally Kimmy turns into a real person in front of everyone and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.

Of course it ends with a wedding and the gay guy catches the bouquet, which is just cruel considering gay marriage wasn’t even legal back then.

And they make him stand there and watch. Bastards.

The credits roll to the sweet sounds of Jefferson Starship. Or just Starship. Or whatever the fuck they’re called.

What else can I say? Not good, not good at all. BUT believe it or not, I have seen worse.

DERP LEVEL: HIGH

And don’t be afraid to leave comments! If you liked the review, or thought it was the most unfunny shit you ever read, let us know! If you know us, you know our jimmies cannot be rustled. Have a suggestion or request? Leave it in the comments!

In the meantime…

Probably something fabulous! See you next week!

 

 

 

*Plains, Trains & Automobiles

FAST FIVE? MOAR LIKE, FAST ASLEEP IN FIVE SECONDS.

FAST 5 is the kind of movie you don’t pause when you go to the john, or even go upstairs for an even longer period of time. Like say, to prepare a salad for ten minutes. Once you return, and finish your salad, you don’t return your attention to the movie, instead, it’s to the tablet/smart phone for some DERP ACTION on BUZZFEED, 9GAG , or the like.

That’s when you turn it off, delete it, and put on something else. That’s what happened with FAST 5. The 5th (!?) in the homoerotic male bonding car RADventure series – FAST AND THE FURIOUS. IMO, the movie is mostly only notable because ‘TEH ROCK’ is in it. I like the Dwayne from America’s ‘DOWN UNDER’ state – HAWAII, but not enough to watch it more than 40 minutes.

DERP NOTES: Diana found a few 9GAG gems while watching. I shopped on DFS for an off-lease desktop for use with audio production @ home.

DERP LEVEL: EXTREME

WHY WE KEEP WATCHING CRAP

Here is our new blog.

It’s all about the movies and TV shows we like to watch, and also those we enjoy NOT WATCHING.

An explanation: In our house, we define our movies based on how of un-divided attention they receive. Generally speaking, movies made past the 1980’s, rarely get to the 100% mark.

Some examples of movies that got A LOT of our attention recently:

DOCTOR ZHIVAGO
ROBOCOP
TRADING PLACES
ROAD HOUSE

A longer list that didn’t:

WEEKEND AT BERNIES
POLTERGEIST I, II III
Anything Rodney Dangerfield (except CADDY SHACK)

Why do we keep punishing ourselves by watching these stinkers? The answer is simple. Not all video content is created equally. Taste is subjective, but we have to watch at least 30 minutes of the content to figure it out for ourselves. Because of our day-jobs, we are comfortably addicted to multitasking, so have make plenty of spare fake time to DERP around the internet with our plethora of touch-enabled smart devices, and enjoy the movie on our own terms.

Some basic questions are answered in our FAQ.