THAT TIME EVERYONE PRETENDED KIM BASINGER WAS ATTRACTIVE

Diana: A week or so behind schedule, but here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for! The review in which we revisit a simpler time, when super-hero movies were new, Michael Keaton was almost bangable and Tim Burton made movies without Helena Bonham-Carter.

slinky

A time when children were tricked into thinking that a metal coil was a toy.

Today’s movie is Batman from 1989! Let’s go!

The movie opens with two junkies mugging this wholesome looking family.

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This is what junkies looked like in 1989. 

So Batman shows up, kicks one guy and punishes the other one by…

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Taking him for a little walk on a leash.

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And threatening him a little bit. 

Then he jumps off a building and disappears!

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He’s so good at this.

Wherever her goes, he leaves a smoke machine behind.

The next day (I guess?), we see what basically amounts to a brief cameo by Billy Dee Williams playing Harvey Dent.

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YES PEOPLE BORN IN THE 90S, HARVEY DENT USED TO BE BLACK.

Before this…

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And this.

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Although in Tommy Lee Jones’ case, they should’ve called the character “One Face” because both sides are basically the same.

So Billy Dee promises to rid Gotham City of crime, blah blah.

Meanwhile, gangster Jack Nicholson has a laugh about how he’s banging his boss’ girlfriend behind his back.

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Oh yeah, Jerry Hall is in this. I guess playing with Mick Jagger’s shriveled up wiener has it’s perks.

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Ass ugly face + horrible singing voice = Success!

Next we meet photojournalist (lol) Vicki Vale, the love interest and otherwise pointless character, played by Kim Basinger, who was sort of a big deal back then. I don’t really know why. She wasn’t particularly likable and not quite pretty enough to be real leading lady material.

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Red lipstick ain’t enough.

She partners up with fake Steve Guttenberg, determined to find out more about the mysterious Batman. And his peen, which she will inevitably sample at some point. Actually, it would be awesome if the penis had a little mask and cape as well. Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnyyywaayysssss.

Jack Nicholson’s boss is none other than Jack Palance.

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Most notable for telling Billy Crystal he took shits bigger than him and then dropping down to do 20 push-ups. And turning up in random movies.

Such as:

Gor II

That’s him in the hat.

And now you know more than you ever wanted to know about Jack Palance. Sorry about that.

Crime boss Jack Palance orders Jack Nicholson to carry out some kind of robbery at a chemical plant, and the whole thing really, REALLY feels like a setup. But Jack Nicholson seems completely oblivious to crazed look on his boss’ face.

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“I know you’ve been milking my cow.”

Cut to Wayne Manor, where there’s some kind of hoity-toity party going on.

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Is it just me or were the 1% way less repulsive back then?

Kim Averager and Fake Steve Guttenberg somehow score invites and try to interview some peeps, and we are finally introduced to Bruce Wayne.

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You know, the hair was bad, but he was still sort of hot. The suit helped. A lot.

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No man can resist the allure of Paper Towel Dress Barbie!

He’s just about to put the moves on her when he overhears the police chief saying there’s some funny business going down at the chemical plant. Get it? “Funny” business.

debbie

Oh, you didn’t like that joke? Let’s see you do better, Debbie Downer. Fucking bitch.

The cops show up at the chemical plant (tipped off by Jack’s cuckolded boss) and… well, you know how this goes.

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Best thing to do when cops are shooting at you? If you said “run away”, you are wrong.

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The correct answer is push every button and pull every fucking switch in the place. Brilliant!

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“Let’s play Who-Can-Fall-In-The-Toxic-Sludge-First!”

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“You win!”

Your prize is insanity.

Green goo is so temperamental though. Sometimes it makes turtles do martial arts and other times it turns guys into deranged psycho clowns.

So after a busy night of playing dress up, Bruce Wayne invites Kim Basinderp over for dinner.

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At Castle Dracula.

Come on, look at the size of that place. And he only has one servant?

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“You know what they say about about men with long tables, right? Hurr hurr.”

Long tables… lots of money? I don’t know.

They flirt awkwardly while referencing his enormous wealth, and then spend the next few minutes talking all about him. Which apparently works because a. he’s rich, and b. she’s easy. So basically, all of Phil Collins’ relationships.

Bruce Wayne is a classy guy though.

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Which is why he let her spend the night and put her greasy peroxide head on his 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets.

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And he sleeps upside-down like a bat. Really, Tim Burton? Really?

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Meanwhile, in an abortion clinic in Tijuana…

Jack gets some much needed cosmetic surgery to repair his melted face, and thus becomes The Joker!

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So that’s what Robert Smith would look like if he lost the weight.

You know, considering the fucked up childhood Jack Nicholson had IRL, it’s amazing he didn’t become a crazy murderer. I mean, have you read about his life? It’s messed up.

He kills Jack Palance, then meets with all the crime lords of Gotham and bullies them into making him their leader.

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What up, Albert Einstein?

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Rob Halford photobomb!

It’s the day after Kimmy got poked with Bruce’s bat-stick, and she wants to hang out again, but he tells her he’s busy because goddamn it, a man needs his space.

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It’s not me, it’s you. Peasant.

She’s totally cool with handling rejection, and goes about her day…

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Just kidding. She stalks him.

Guy can’t even leave some roses on the sidewalk for his dead parents anymore. Jaysus.

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“Dear Mom & Dad, sorry you died. Thanks for leaving me all the jewgoldz.”

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No, don’t pick up the flowers! Now you’ve contaminated them with your poor people hands.

On the other side of town, Joker is keeping busy by putting his toxic mystery substance “Smilex” in all of Gotham’s beauty products, which causes people to die with a big, stupid grin on their faces.

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megryan

He decides to celebrate by breaking into a museum and defacing some art.

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“Surprise! The Sugar Plum Priest/Biker Squad is here!”

With this song playing the entire time:

Yes, it is a song called “Party Man”.

So he shows Kimmy (who happens to be there), Jerry Hall’s new mask.

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Tim Burton’s dream girl. I mean the mask, not Jerry Hall. Just the mask.

He harasses Kim for a few more minutes until Batman arrives to save her.

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“Feel that? The dark knight RISES.”

Bat-pole.

They escape in the batmobile, and you know what?

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It doesn’t look that cool anymore.

For some reason I remember it looking better in Batman Returns, even though I’m fairly sure it’s the same car.

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They drive through Sleepy Hollow on the way to the bat-cave. God, I am so grateful Johnny Depp isn’t in this.

Once in the safety of grown man fantasy gadget lair, our hero lets Kimmy know that he’s discovered which combinations of beauty products cause smiley-death.

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“None of this shit affects me btw. All my shampoo is imported from the south of France on the backs of exotic looking children.”

So with that crisis averted, another day passes.

Next morning, he pays her a visit (as Bruce Wayne). I’m not really sure why she’s upset as soon as she opens the door but whatever. Everyone’s moody in Tim Burton Land.

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“Here, have this shitty flower. Can I get in your pants again?”

Michael Keaton at the door with a popped collar and a $1.00 carnation? Color me moist.

The Joker pops in and says some more dumb shit, and we’re on to the next scene.

Kimmy finds out Bruce Wayne’s parents were murdered. Her maternal instincts kick in and she instantly forgives him for not calling her after that one time they boned.

Meanwhile, in the bat-cave, Alfred is getting preachy.

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“I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving over the loss of old friends. Or their sons.”

I love how he calls the billionaires he cleans up after, his “friends”. That’s cute. Now go make Master Bruce a sandwich. AND DON’T FORGET THE FUCKING GREY POUPON.

Flashback Time!

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Take it in, ladies.

He’s reminiscing over his parents’ death when he realizes that…

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They were killed by a young Jack Nicholson who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson. 

So many twists and turns! Suddenly, Kimmy shows up. Yep, Alfred just let her in. For no reason. Just ’cause.

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Wait, I recognize that outfit…

For fuck’s sake, was there anything Steve Jobs DIDN’T steal?

Kim pouts around and I think she’s trying to get him to stop being Batman. Once again, they banged ONCE. One time. So. Damn. Clingy.

So Meg Ryan, I mean The Joker, throws a huge party and again, Prince provides the music.

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In exchange, Joker has to give Prince all of his clothes. And accessories.

He draws the crowd in by throwing wads of cash at them.

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All the strippers instinctively get naked.

But it’s all a trick, of course. And the Joker’s parade balloons start releasing toxic gas onto the crowds.

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Nice custom Joker jacket, Henchman #1.

Not to worry though, Batman arrives in his bat-jet (?) and takes the balloons away.

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Okay, that’s pretty cool.

He swoops down and closes in on his arch-nemesis. Good thing he has millions of dollars worth of technology behind him.

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aaaaaaaaannnndd he misses.

Jack Nicholson, however, is a better shot and blows up his fancy jet with one bullet.

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Okay then.

Joker grabs Kimmy (why does anyone still care about her at this point?) and drags her up into the church tower. Batman follows and fights off the remaining henchmen.

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Including Ray Charles.

In the end, the Joker gets his ankle caught in a batarang and tied to a gargoyle while trying to escape.

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A gargoyle with a very small bum.

He ends up falling to his death and Gotham City is safe once again! It’s implied that Kim McLongFace and Bruce “My Parents Are Dead” Wayne end up together and the movie closes with this final shot:

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Perfect desktop wallpaper for people who never get laid.

And we’re done! That wasn’t too painful. 

Final thoughts: Is it campy? Yes. But I’ll gladly take this and Batman Returns over any of the Christopher Nolan reboots any day. Know why? Because they take themselves TOO GODDAMN SERIOUSLY. And you can’t ask the audience to take you 100% seriously if you’re filming a bunch of grown man, running around wearing costumes.

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That stupid growling doesn’t sound nearly as cool as you think it does, man.

Joss Whedon understood this and made sure there were plenty of jokes in The Avengers, which is why it was so well balanced and enjoyable. That said, this really is the Keaton and Nicholson show. Everyone else is basically static in the background. The music is really good though, probably Danny Elfman’s best work. You know, before he started making lesser versions of in every other movie he worked on. Regardless, I enjoyed it. Maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but I can’t help it.

All in all, I’ll give it 4 escaped mental patients out of 5 bat-themed vehicles.

DERP LEVEL: MEDIUM

Next time, on the review: Reader’s Choice! A special request from one of my favorite readers and twitter followers (you know who you are!).

Want to suggest a movie or make a request? Leave it in the comments below or follow us on Twitter (@DerpReview) or Facebook. You know you want to.

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Last Minute Update! Attention All Batman Fans! Prepare your jimmies for an epic rustling. Ben Fucking Affleck has just been announced as the new Batman in the upcoming Batman/Superman movie. First Val Cheeseburger Kilmer, then George Bobblehead Clooney… haven’t we been through enough?!

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