Going On Hiatus

Hey guys, so as you may have noticed, things have been quiet for a while now. The reason for that is that school has now taken over every spare moment and I no longer have the time to put in to the blog. I wish it wasn’t the case, but there it is. I may do a vlog now and again, but full-length reviews won’t be coming back for at least the next year or so. I’m glad I could provide you with some laughs and/or entertainment, and I hope to return when life slows down a bit.

 

See you later and keep on derpin’. ❤

New Vlog!

Diana: Okay, here it is, u guise. My friend Nedu and I blab about the best and the worst of 2013 while drinking various alcoholic beverages and eating gummies. Hope it’s somewhat enjoyable. There are also some celebrity pics and other visual gags in there to hopefully motivate you to stick it out through the whole video. Happy New Year!

Good news, guys!

Diana: So for anyone that hasn’t been keeping up with us on Twitter or Facebook, we were invited to appear on the Nedu Show, on YouTube! The show is hosted by Nedu and usually features assorted nerdy/pop culture content. I appeared solo because Owen had other projects to handle at the time, hope you’re not too disappointed. I tried to keep it derpy though. We included a few pix in the video with the kind of commentary you’ve come to expect from the Derp Review. I’ll post a link to it once it’s been uploaded to YouTube so keep your eyes peeled!

THAT TIME EVERYONE PRETENDED KIM BASINGER WAS ATTRACTIVE

Diana: A week or so behind schedule, but here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for! The review in which we revisit a simpler time, when super-hero movies were new, Michael Keaton was almost bangable and Tim Burton made movies without Helena Bonham-Carter.

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A time when children were tricked into thinking that a metal coil was a toy.

Today’s movie is Batman from 1989! Let’s go!

The movie opens with two junkies mugging this wholesome looking family.

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This is what junkies looked like in 1989. 

So Batman shows up, kicks one guy and punishes the other one by…

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Taking him for a little walk on a leash.

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And threatening him a little bit. 

Then he jumps off a building and disappears!

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He’s so good at this.

Wherever her goes, he leaves a smoke machine behind.

The next day (I guess?), we see what basically amounts to a brief cameo by Billy Dee Williams playing Harvey Dent.

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YES PEOPLE BORN IN THE 90S, HARVEY DENT USED TO BE BLACK.

Before this…

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And this.

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Although in Tommy Lee Jones’ case, they should’ve called the character “One Face” because both sides are basically the same.

So Billy Dee promises to rid Gotham City of crime, blah blah.

Meanwhile, gangster Jack Nicholson has a laugh about how he’s banging his boss’ girlfriend behind his back.

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Oh yeah, Jerry Hall is in this. I guess playing with Mick Jagger’s shriveled up wiener has it’s perks.

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Ass ugly face + horrible singing voice = Success!

Next we meet photojournalist (lol) Vicki Vale, the love interest and otherwise pointless character, played by Kim Basinger, who was sort of a big deal back then. I don’t really know why. She wasn’t particularly likable and not quite pretty enough to be real leading lady material.

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Red lipstick ain’t enough.

She partners up with fake Steve Guttenberg, determined to find out more about the mysterious Batman. And his peen, which she will inevitably sample at some point. Actually, it would be awesome if the penis had a little mask and cape as well. Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnyyywaayysssss.

Jack Nicholson’s boss is none other than Jack Palance.

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Most notable for telling Billy Crystal he took shits bigger than him and then dropping down to do 20 push-ups. And turning up in random movies.

Such as:

Gor II

That’s him in the hat.

And now you know more than you ever wanted to know about Jack Palance. Sorry about that.

Crime boss Jack Palance orders Jack Nicholson to carry out some kind of robbery at a chemical plant, and the whole thing really, REALLY feels like a setup. But Jack Nicholson seems completely oblivious to crazed look on his boss’ face.

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“I know you’ve been milking my cow.”

Cut to Wayne Manor, where there’s some kind of hoity-toity party going on.

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Is it just me or were the 1% way less repulsive back then?

Kim Averager and Fake Steve Guttenberg somehow score invites and try to interview some peeps, and we are finally introduced to Bruce Wayne.

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You know, the hair was bad, but he was still sort of hot. The suit helped. A lot.

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No man can resist the allure of Paper Towel Dress Barbie!

He’s just about to put the moves on her when he overhears the police chief saying there’s some funny business going down at the chemical plant. Get it? “Funny” business.

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Oh, you didn’t like that joke? Let’s see you do better, Debbie Downer. Fucking bitch.

The cops show up at the chemical plant (tipped off by Jack’s cuckolded boss) and… well, you know how this goes.

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Best thing to do when cops are shooting at you? If you said “run away”, you are wrong.

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The correct answer is push every button and pull every fucking switch in the place. Brilliant!

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“Let’s play Who-Can-Fall-In-The-Toxic-Sludge-First!”

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“You win!”

Your prize is insanity.

Green goo is so temperamental though. Sometimes it makes turtles do martial arts and other times it turns guys into deranged psycho clowns.

So after a busy night of playing dress up, Bruce Wayne invites Kim Basinderp over for dinner.

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At Castle Dracula.

Come on, look at the size of that place. And he only has one servant?

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“You know what they say about about men with long tables, right? Hurr hurr.”

Long tables… lots of money? I don’t know.

They flirt awkwardly while referencing his enormous wealth, and then spend the next few minutes talking all about him. Which apparently works because a. he’s rich, and b. she’s easy. So basically, all of Phil Collins’ relationships.

Bruce Wayne is a classy guy though.

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Which is why he let her spend the night and put her greasy peroxide head on his 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets.

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And he sleeps upside-down like a bat. Really, Tim Burton? Really?

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Meanwhile, in an abortion clinic in Tijuana…

Jack gets some much needed cosmetic surgery to repair his melted face, and thus becomes The Joker!

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So that’s what Robert Smith would look like if he lost the weight.

You know, considering the fucked up childhood Jack Nicholson had IRL, it’s amazing he didn’t become a crazy murderer. I mean, have you read about his life? It’s messed up.

He kills Jack Palance, then meets with all the crime lords of Gotham and bullies them into making him their leader.

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What up, Albert Einstein?

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Rob Halford photobomb!

It’s the day after Kimmy got poked with Bruce’s bat-stick, and she wants to hang out again, but he tells her he’s busy because goddamn it, a man needs his space.

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It’s not me, it’s you. Peasant.

She’s totally cool with handling rejection, and goes about her day…

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Just kidding. She stalks him.

Guy can’t even leave some roses on the sidewalk for his dead parents anymore. Jaysus.

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“Dear Mom & Dad, sorry you died. Thanks for leaving me all the jewgoldz.”

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No, don’t pick up the flowers! Now you’ve contaminated them with your poor people hands.

On the other side of town, Joker is keeping busy by putting his toxic mystery substance “Smilex” in all of Gotham’s beauty products, which causes people to die with a big, stupid grin on their faces.

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He decides to celebrate by breaking into a museum and defacing some art.

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“Surprise! The Sugar Plum Priest/Biker Squad is here!”

With this song playing the entire time:

Yes, it is a song called “Party Man”.

So he shows Kimmy (who happens to be there), Jerry Hall’s new mask.

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Tim Burton’s dream girl. I mean the mask, not Jerry Hall. Just the mask.

He harasses Kim for a few more minutes until Batman arrives to save her.

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“Feel that? The dark knight RISES.”

Bat-pole.

They escape in the batmobile, and you know what?

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It doesn’t look that cool anymore.

For some reason I remember it looking better in Batman Returns, even though I’m fairly sure it’s the same car.

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They drive through Sleepy Hollow on the way to the bat-cave. God, I am so grateful Johnny Depp isn’t in this.

Once in the safety of grown man fantasy gadget lair, our hero lets Kimmy know that he’s discovered which combinations of beauty products cause smiley-death.

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“None of this shit affects me btw. All my shampoo is imported from the south of France on the backs of exotic looking children.”

So with that crisis averted, another day passes.

Next morning, he pays her a visit (as Bruce Wayne). I’m not really sure why she’s upset as soon as she opens the door but whatever. Everyone’s moody in Tim Burton Land.

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“Here, have this shitty flower. Can I get in your pants again?”

Michael Keaton at the door with a popped collar and a $1.00 carnation? Color me moist.

The Joker pops in and says some more dumb shit, and we’re on to the next scene.

Kimmy finds out Bruce Wayne’s parents were murdered. Her maternal instincts kick in and she instantly forgives him for not calling her after that one time they boned.

Meanwhile, in the bat-cave, Alfred is getting preachy.

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“I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving over the loss of old friends. Or their sons.”

I love how he calls the billionaires he cleans up after, his “friends”. That’s cute. Now go make Master Bruce a sandwich. AND DON’T FORGET THE FUCKING GREY POUPON.

Flashback Time!

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Take it in, ladies.

He’s reminiscing over his parents’ death when he realizes that…

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They were killed by a young Jack Nicholson who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson. 

So many twists and turns! Suddenly, Kimmy shows up. Yep, Alfred just let her in. For no reason. Just ’cause.

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Wait, I recognize that outfit…

For fuck’s sake, was there anything Steve Jobs DIDN’T steal?

Kim pouts around and I think she’s trying to get him to stop being Batman. Once again, they banged ONCE. One time. So. Damn. Clingy.

So Meg Ryan, I mean The Joker, throws a huge party and again, Prince provides the music.

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In exchange, Joker has to give Prince all of his clothes. And accessories.

He draws the crowd in by throwing wads of cash at them.

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All the strippers instinctively get naked.

But it’s all a trick, of course. And the Joker’s parade balloons start releasing toxic gas onto the crowds.

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Nice custom Joker jacket, Henchman #1.

Not to worry though, Batman arrives in his bat-jet (?) and takes the balloons away.

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Okay, that’s pretty cool.

He swoops down and closes in on his arch-nemesis. Good thing he has millions of dollars worth of technology behind him.

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aaaaaaaaannnndd he misses.

Jack Nicholson, however, is a better shot and blows up his fancy jet with one bullet.

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Okay then.

Joker grabs Kimmy (why does anyone still care about her at this point?) and drags her up into the church tower. Batman follows and fights off the remaining henchmen.

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Including Ray Charles.

In the end, the Joker gets his ankle caught in a batarang and tied to a gargoyle while trying to escape.

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A gargoyle with a very small bum.

He ends up falling to his death and Gotham City is safe once again! It’s implied that Kim McLongFace and Bruce “My Parents Are Dead” Wayne end up together and the movie closes with this final shot:

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Perfect desktop wallpaper for people who never get laid.

And we’re done! That wasn’t too painful. 

Final thoughts: Is it campy? Yes. But I’ll gladly take this and Batman Returns over any of the Christopher Nolan reboots any day. Know why? Because they take themselves TOO GODDAMN SERIOUSLY. And you can’t ask the audience to take you 100% seriously if you’re filming a bunch of grown man, running around wearing costumes.

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That stupid growling doesn’t sound nearly as cool as you think it does, man.

Joss Whedon understood this and made sure there were plenty of jokes in The Avengers, which is why it was so well balanced and enjoyable. That said, this really is the Keaton and Nicholson show. Everyone else is basically static in the background. The music is really good though, probably Danny Elfman’s best work. You know, before he started making lesser versions of in every other movie he worked on. Regardless, I enjoyed it. Maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but I can’t help it.

All in all, I’ll give it 4 escaped mental patients out of 5 bat-themed vehicles.

DERP LEVEL: MEDIUM

Next time, on the review: Reader’s Choice! A special request from one of my favorite readers and twitter followers (you know who you are!).

Want to suggest a movie or make a request? Leave it in the comments below or follow us on Twitter (@DerpReview) or Facebook. You know you want to.

join me

Last Minute Update! Attention All Batman Fans! Prepare your jimmies for an epic rustling. Ben Fucking Affleck has just been announced as the new Batman in the upcoming Batman/Superman movie. First Val Cheeseburger Kilmer, then George Bobblehead Clooney… haven’t we been through enough?!

planet

Oz The Boring and Stupid

Diana: Hey movie-lovers! Whatsa goin’ on? We’ve been derping up on the Twitters for the last few months but now we’re back on the blog with some full-length reviews as promised! We’ve gotten a couple of requests so we should have some entertaining material for the next few weeks. Today’s goody? Oz The Great And Powerful. “But Diana”, you ask, “we all know you loathe James Franco, why would you review this movie?” And the answer is, because sometimes you get fulfillment out of observing and discussing things you absolutely hate. Seriously, why else would anyone pay attention to Glenn Beck?

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“Hurr durr black people are scary.”

What a goddamn waste of sperm and eggs. Speaking of James Franco, some of you may think he’s an okay actor, maybe even an okay person. WRONG. He is a terrible actor, and a smug writer of insufferable shitty poetry that reeks of privilege. Plus his smarmy face.

douchefranco

horse

Now that I’ve adequately justified my hate, it’s time to move on to the shitfest that is this movie.

First impressions:

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Uuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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Overrated.

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Has seen Daniel Craig’s dick and ballz.

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Dawson’s Creek and Heath Ledger’s baby momma. There, I just summarized her entire life.

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Oh god, no.

Music is by Danny Elfman btw. And guess what? It sounds suspiciously similar to the Batman Returns ost, the Nightmare Before Christmas ost, and just about every other Danny Elfman soundtrack. Versatility is not his forte.

burton-carteruuggghhh

Join the One Trick Pony Club.

I think it’s fair to say we’ve seen all that these motherfuckers have to offer, no?

The movie begins in Kansas, with a young Oz performing as a circus magician, and just being an all around sleazy dude.

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Protip: guys who say shit like this usually can’t get an erection. Or at least, not an erection you’d write home about. 

He gets chased by the circus strong man and hops into a hot air balloon just as a tornado lands. Pure coincidence, of course. He asks god (or some such person) to save him. Let me just say that this right here proves that there is no god. If there was a god, James Franco would not exist.

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Lies.

Unfortunately for us, he survives unscathed and arrives in the Land of Oz, safe and sound, and in color.

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Nice CGI, eh? JUST WAIT.

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What? I don’t even know how that Dolan got in there.

Was it supposed to look fake? I guess we haven’t come that far after all.

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Basically, this + computers.

Oz lands in the land of Oz (why’d they have to have the same fucking name?), and meets love interest #1, Mila Kunis, who is also a witch. Naturally, he takes the opportunity to lay on the sleaze.

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“My shit-eating grin brings all the witches to the yard.”

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In this frame, there is a brief moment of clarity and realization. You can see it on her face. “I AM IN A MOVIE STARRING JAMES FRANCO.”

She gets back to reading her lines and tells him he’s the long awaited king of Oz. King Oz of the Land of Oz.

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President Obama of the United Obamas of Obama. 

They head for Emerald City and meet up with a monkey voiced by Zach Barf.

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I’m sure Garden State 2 will be FANTASTIC.

And to all of the undoubtedly refined and discerning people who donated money to this hack’s kickstarter, I have one thing to say:

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And that’s from the heart, yo.

So James Farto, Mila Kuntis and monkey boy arrive at the Emerald City pretty easily and meet up with another witch. I really can’t be bothered with their stupid names, but it’s the one played by Rachel Weisz.

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Nope, doesn’t look evil at all.

She tells Jizz Franco that to become King Oz of Oz, he must kill the Wicked Witch, and in return he will receive all of her witchgoldz.

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Taking a dip in Mark Zuckerberg’s pool.

Scrooge McDuck called. He said, “carry on.”

Determined to possess all the currency and all the bitches, he sets off to kill the Wicked Witch. He stops in a smashed up tea cup town and rescues a porcelain doll, who then becomes sidekick #2. They share a (forced) little tender moment when he repairs her broken china legs with a glue stick.

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“My only purpose is to make James Franco more sympathetic to the viewer!”

Good luck with that.

They hop along through the dark and scary forest (which isn’t the least bit scary) and come upon the Wicked Witch. Except she isn’t a wicked witch at all, she’s Glinda the good witch.

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2/10: would not bang

Dat wig, gurrllll.

She tells Jizz Franco that Rachel Weisz is actually the evil one. Surprise, surprise. Wow, what a great story.

Meanwhile back at the Emerald City, Rachel has convinced Mila that Sleazy Franco is dipping his wick in all the witches. Poking them with his wand. Feeding them his Franco and beans. Penis.

She runs off into another room and busts out her best over-acting, community theater scream.

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Meryl Streep, hand over the motherfuckin’ Oscars! Mila Kunis has released the fabled cry-scream! Oh the emotion!

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Evil witch Rachel sends her flying monkeys off to kill Jerk Franco.

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When a chick makes this face, you should pull it out of her butt. Just sayin’.

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And really, those killer monkeys can’t get there fast enough for me. 

Glinda does some magic stuff and they easily escape the monkeys. Boo.

And now, allow me to present CGI’s Greatest Hits Volume 2!

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“haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

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Yum. That’s some TV movie caliber shit right there!

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They all pass through a magical wall and enter a land that only “pure-hearted souls” can enter.

Wait, what? How the fuck does James Franco pass through? I mean, he’s very obviously been a lying, cheating, condescending prick throughout the entire movie. The writers are so fucking insistent on making him a hero that they will quite literally contradict themselves. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m trying to apply logic here, I must be sober again. Moving on.

Back in Emerald City, Rachel gives Maybelline Kunis a magical apple to cure her broken heart.

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That’s all it takes to turn a rooster into a hen. Remember that, fellas.

I guess the apple does *technically* cure her broken heart as it makes it totally wither away.

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It also turns her into the Hulk.

Cut back to Glinda and Oz. They have now enlisted the Munchkins to fight against the wicked witches. Naturally, they celebrate the news with a crappy song.

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Trust me. This looks way better than it sounds.

Fortunately, evil Mila Kunis crashed the midget party and puts an end to the singing.

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And she has chola eyebrows. Awesome.

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It really gives you that wide awake look.

Perpetual surprise.

She makes a few threats and leaves. Why? I don’t know. She could’ve finished them right there and put us all out of our misery.

Back in Munchkin Land…

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“Herpes!”

If only. Actually, what he has is a plan to defeat the wicked witches using stage props, dummies and a projector. ‘Cause that’s how battles are won.

The battle is super boring and predictably, very easily won, so I won’t bore you with extensive details.

Once inside the Emerald City, Average Glinda is captured by the other witches, who try to hurt her (or mildly discomfort her, I guess) with some Darth Sidious style hand-lasers.

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She’s totally okay though.

Jackoff Franco saves her by… projecting his face on a cloud and lighting fireworks. Obviously this works.

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He looks hungry.

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All better!

Come on, you guys knew I was gonna go there.

The evil witches run off in different directions, but not before Mila Kunis decides to show us her “range” again and scream at the camera.

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Her voice is terrifying. And not in a scary, eerie way. It sounds like a nasally, drunk, deranged sorority girl throwing a tantrum. Truly awful.

I thought actors were supposed to have good voices?

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Well played, Fran Drescher. Well played.

So Mila’s out. Only one thing left – the “epic” (2 minute) battle between Glinda and Evil Rachel Weisz.

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So. Much. Lens flare.

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You know JJ Abrams shot his fucking load when he saw this.

Blondie rips off her magical necklace rendering her powerless. Who knew it was that easy. She immediately turns into a dusty old bag.

Joan Rivers

Close.

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There we are. She gets carried away by two flying monkeys and that’s the end of her.

So Oz stays in Oz and makes out with Glinda behind the curtain.

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Creepy Creepington.

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“Tastes like narcissism and shitty paintings.”

And we’re done! And not a moment too soon because it is 2 am and I AM TIRED OF YOUR SHIT, JAMES FRANCO.

As evidenced above, this movie was terrible. Even the parts that are meant to be cute and fun are utterly joyless. Like a huge dark cloud of sad hanging over everyone and everything. It has none of the charm and wonder of the original. Probably because Disney does not own the original film, Warner Bros does, so they were pretty limited in which content they could actually re-purpose. Given the circumstances, I don’t get why they bothered to make this shit pile at all.

But never mind all that. What’s the moral of the story here? If that you act like a selfish douche your entire life, you will be rewarded! 

I hate everything about this movie and I sincerely pity anyone who paid money to see this. And if you liked it, and I know you, you can get the fuck out of my life because you have appallingly bad taste. Unless you give me baked goods. Then you can stay.

DERP LEVEL: EXTREME 

Next week…

batman1989

Derp Update! Now, with more social media!

Diana: And we’re back! Yes, it’s been a while, but aren’t you happy to see us?

It’s a time of celebration. Like when you’re a couple of weeks late and you get your period.

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“Yay! Dodged another bullet!”

You know what’s actually very amusing about our prolonged absences from the blog is that when we come back and check out our stats, there are an insane amount of hits in the months when we aren’t posting any new content. It’s like the less we write, the more readers we get. It’s a mystery. Like the origin of the cosmos. Or where babies come from. Just kidding, that’s not a mystery.

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They come from the Penis Tree!

So there’s actually no new review today (whomp whomp), BUT we do have some news for you. Despite my best efforts to avoid Twitter (because I find it narcissistic, asinine and generally loathsome), I have decided to create a Twitter account for the Derp Review. I know. Hear me out. We won’t be able to post another full length review for another 4-6 weeks due to work/life/school taking up all of our time. Even though it may seem like I bang these out quickly and carelessly, it actually takes a few hours to watch the movie, collect the screenshots, organize everything and write the jokes. SO, for the time being, we will be doing mini reviews on Twitter. Some screenshots with funny caps, crass one-liners, jokes about genitalia and all that other good stuff you’ve come to expect from the Derp Review. Plus, you can interact with us in real time (yay?) and submit your own jokes which we may or may not steal and post on the blog without your permission! How great is that?

Now get thee to the Twitterverse and give us a follow @DerpReview.

See you there!

THE ONE IN WHICH SOME WHITE KIDS FIGHT AND KILL EACH OTHER AND STUFF.

Diana: Omg we’re back again. I know, it’s been a while. Months, actually. Unfortunately, we’ve fallen behind on updating the blog because it’s summer and alcohol ain’t gonna go to parties and drink itself.

Now that we’ve gotten the excuses out of the way, we can move on to some Derp Review news. A while back we announced that we’d be doing a video review with our friend Ryan to show you guys how fucking hilarious we really are. Well, we recorded it but… it didn’t work out. We didn’t practice or prepare anything in advance so we ended up improvising for 2 hours and the result was a mess that should be used as a psychological torture device at Guantanamo. We talked over each other constantly and there was an unapologetic abundance of pedophilia jokes. So yeah, that review won’t be seeing the light of day any time soon.

We have not yet created our YouTube channel, but we do have it in the works. We are also in the process of starting our own indie pop band and we’ll be doing covers of Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins  ’cause we hard like that. We’ll either call ourselves “A Band Called Van Damme” or “Jean Claude Van Band”. Owen will play guitar and I will play the tambourine. Or the triangle.

Just. Like. That.

Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the review.

Tonight’s movie is the film adaptation of the best-selling, tween version of Running Man: The Hunger Games, starring Jennifer Lawrence.

Yeah, that’s her.

Hold steady, Picard.

Now that we’ve established her hotness we can move forward with the review. Keep in mind, she’s playing a kid in this movie. Fucking perverts.

Sounds like the kind of games they play in Africa. ALL THE TIME.

The story is set in a post-apocalyptic United States where only one city is awesome (The Capitol) and everywhere else is a shitty shithole. It’s not really made clear, but it seems that the entire continental U.S. is divided into “districts” and every year, each district has to offer up two kids (a boy and a girl) to compete in a fight to the death with one lone winner, which is televised. So, pretty much Running Man.

This serves as a sort of punishment because at some point in the past, the districts revolted against The Capitol. Whatever. Let’s see some angsty teens!

Jennifer Lawrence plays “Katniss Everdeen”. Did I mention all the names in this movie are stupid? Because they are.

Liam Hemsworth (Thor’s brother) plays “Gale Hawthorne”, Katniss’ best friend and hunting buddy.

Definitely the lesser of the two Hemsworths. Also Gale is a lady’s name. 

Next day, some weirdo from The Capitol arrives to select the sacrifices, I mean, contestants for the Hunger Games.

And surprisingly, it’s not Helena Bonham Carter. 

The only reason it isn’t Helena Bonham Carter is because Tim Burton had ZERO involvement in this movie. Thank God.

All the kids under 18 are gathered together and stand around waiting to find out which of them will win the worst lottery ever.

Obviously they’re in post-apocalyptic Connecticut. ‘Cause everyone’s white and wears old-timey clothes. 

It seems denim didn’t survive the nuclear catastrophe but prairie dresses did.

That’s a lot of Amish kids.

I get it. They’re trying to make it look like the holocaust. Like an Aryan holocaust.

Shut up, Alanis.

Names are drawn and Katniss’ little sister Tater Tot gets picked. Katniss freaks the fuck out and volunteers to take her place in the Games.

“It’s okay, I’m going to fight in your place. Nothing bad will ever happen to you!”

“You know they’re doing this again next year, right?”

A baker’s son named Peta also gets picked.

He still can’t believe his name is “Peta”. 

He fuckin’ hates animals and loves steaks.

Just die already.

So Katniss and Peta get into a car with fake Helena Bonham Carter, and head for The Capitol.

 

“It’s going to be wonderful! You two fight to the death, and we eat fine cheeses off your corpses!”

Sounds like a party Mitt Romney would enjoy.

They get on a train and Peta starts yapping about them helping each other out but I’m pretty sure he just wants to show her his willy.

“Come on. We’re going to die.”

“I need to get my weasel greased.”

“The only pleasure I’ve ever known is the warm grip of my own hand.”

His argument is compelling but Katniss is having none of it.

Their drunk mentor/coach comes in to give them advice. He’s played by Woody Harrelson, playing himself.

“Whoa there, boy. It’s only 3 pm and this is my first bottle of bourbon.”

“I love you, cocaine.”

What acting chops.

They ignore him and soon arrive at The Capitol. They get separated and after a weird bath and some eyebrow plucking (no joke), Katniss meets up with her spiritual counsellor, Lenny Kravitz.

“I’m half black, half jew, and all lover.”

All of the competitors get dressed up in the silliest get-ups you can imagine and get ready to be presented to The Capitol’s elite.

The Hunger Games producer is the creeper from American Beauty who used to film every fucking thing. Remember him? Now he’s got retarded facial hair.

“Yo man, I’mma let you finish, but this bag is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

The kids get on chariots (wtf) and are presented to the crowds. By the way, everyone in this city dresses like a fucking circus sideshow.

It’s like Baz Luhrmann and RuPaul sat in a two-person circle jerk and covered the world in their glittery baby batter.

The child sacrifices are paraded before the masses and Katniss and Peta come out wearing suits that spontaneously combust and yet, somehow, don’t burn them up.

“Smells like roasted pork.”

Big bad President-colonel Sanders is not amused.

“No fried chicken for you. Only fried death.”

Next, all of the contestants get interviewed by Stanley Tucci, and we get to see just how annoying Stanley Tucci can be.

Which is pretty fucking annoying.

Everyone does well in the interviews but Peta seems better at charming the clown crowd.

He confesses to dumbass Tucci that he has a crush on Katniss. Of course he does. Where would young adult fiction be without the love triangle?

Nevermind. 

Katniss, for reasons unknown, freaks out over his amorous declaration and corners him in the hallway to let him know that she is an independent woman.

“I don’t need no man! I pay mah own bills!”

Take it easy, bitch.

The next day, the Games begin. The kids are released into an “arena” that’s pretty much a contained mini-forest full of cameras. A dozen kids get killed right off the bat as they fight for limited food, weapons and supplies. Katniss and a few others take off into the woods to avoid being butchered.

Katniss climbs a tree and settles in for the night just as a big projection in the sky appears. It presents a slideshow of the contestants that have been killed thus far. Handy.

I wish they did this with dead celebrities. You know, just so we could stay on top of things. Is Jack Palance still alive?

Katniss soon discovers that about five of the murderous kids have formed an alliance in order to kill off the weaker competitors. Peta has also joined them. They eventually find her and chase her up a tree. Unable to climb up and get her (seriously, no one could climb up there after her?), or shoot her down with an arrow (?) they decide to camp out and wait until she comes down herself.

“Yep. She’s right there. Too bad that tree she just climbed is impossible to climb.”

Next morning, our heroine is the first to wake and spots a crazy huge wasps’ nest hanging from a branch above her. Not just any wasps, these are genetically engineered, hallucination-inducing wasps from the future. Yeah.

She cuts through the branch with her knife and the nest lands ker-splat, right on the sleeping baddies. They all get away, except for one unfortunate blonde girl who gets stung to death. Katniss climbs down and takes the opportunity to steal her wallet, I mean, bow and arrows.

That’s not so bad. She could still be Rocky Dennis‘ body double. Oh wait, he’s dead. Forget it, she can’t be anything then.

After a couple of days she ends up teaming up with a cute little black girl who informs her that the group of bad kids has taken control of all the food and supplies. They share a heart-warming moment while munching on some kind of barbecued bird and plotting to destroy the dominant team’s supplies stash.

“E-bo-ny and I-vo-ry, kill together in per-fect har-mo-ny.”

See what I did there? Heh.

Katniss takes off and burns up the pile of goodies accumulated by the baddies. I think one more kid dies but at this point who gives a fuck. We don’t even know their names so obviously they’re not in for a long shelf life.

She returns to find her little friend being attacked by some bitch. She tries to save her but her lil’ buddy ends up dying in her arms.

“Why did you have to die, girl I hardly knew??! WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Soon after, the producer with the douchey facial hair changes the rules so that there can now be two winners instead of just one. The reasons why he does this are too boring and pointless to go into, so I won’t.

She ends up finding Peta and teaming up with him. His leg is badly hurt, so she gives him a tonsil massage with her tongue to help with that.

And the tween audience has now gotten their money’s worth.

Her boy toy back home watches in silent disappointment, wondering where he went wrong.

“I wish my left testicle wasn’t shaped like a cashew. A long, hairy, purple cashew.”

The producer announced to the contestants that badly needed supplies are being deposited at the spot where they first started from. Katnip decides to go and try to get some medicine for Peta’s gimped out leg.

She fights some girl, gets helped out by a black dude and ends up retrieving the medicine. How fortunate.

She rubs some of the magic ointment on Peta’s leg and ta-da! the next day he’s magically cured. To express his gratitude, he offers, once again, to show her his todger.

“It’s really special! It blushes when you touch it and the tip looks like a smiley face!”

Just as things are starting to look up, the producer decides to release some massive, fucked up looking dogs into the mix.

Not those dogs.

These dogs.

The dogs chase them back to the starting point where they find the last remaining kid who looks exactly like Peta.

Slim Shady? Stan

They kill him and finally, FINALLY, after 10 hours of watching this movie, they’ve won The Hunger Games. Everything’s great now, right? Nothing could possibly go wrong. It’s all over.

Except that the dickhead producer with the impossibly unrealistic facial hair has decided to change the rules one last time. Oh joy, another twist.

Katnip and Peta are informed that there can no longer be two victors and that one of them must die.

Whoever loses the stare-down, dies. 

Peta gets distracted by a butterfly and Katniss guts him like a fish.

Just kidding. Instead of turning on each other like normal people desperate to survive, they decide to commit a double suicide and eat some poisoned berries so they’ll both die.

Except they don’t. They get stopped at the last minute by the show’s producer and are both declared winners. They do some more interviews with Annoying Tucci and head home.

Of course there’s a scene with her in a poofy dress, lest we forget this was written by a woman.

“Oh hey, I started dating your little sister while you were gone. Hope that’s cool.”

And so the movie ends and even though I lampooned it, I did like it. It was better than I’d imagined but not good enough to deserve all the hoopla surrounding it. Then again, most of the people praising it were tweeners and everyone knows tweeners are terrible liars.

Yes, I mean you, Jezebel.

I was pretty attentive to the movie and hardly derped at all so I’m going to give it four sexually frustrated bakers sons out of five running man ripoffs.

DERP LEVEL: LOW